Ground down (Edit)

[Pauline]

The scythe that you wield above my head,
constantly slicing through any happiness
I may feel has finally taken its toll.
I am weary,
There is no more fight in me.
You have won, my darling,
you have ground me down.
All I ever wanted, was that you loved me.
Everything I did was to please you
but it was never enough.
As I lay here licking my wounds
you stand over me laughing,
pouring contempt into my open sores.
Why would you do this to me?
I loved you. I hate you.
I feel like the worthless piece of shit
that you say I am.
You have won, my darling.
There is no life left in me.


Does this read more like a poem now, or is it still off the mark.
I had a try. I will get there eventually, lol













Your constant scalpel sharp accusations
cut into my heart
like a hot knife through butter.
How can you do this to me?
I give you my all,
My life’s breath,
yet you readily cut me down.
A scythe slicing through my happiness,
taking my feet from beneath me,
leaving me prostrate on the cold asphalt
of your tracks.
I’m wounded and in pain,
left to lick clean your scathing remarks,
in time for you to pour contempt
into my open wounds.
You cause me so much heartache,
yet I come back for more.
You have ground me down.
I feel like the worthless piece of shit
that you say I am.
You have won.
There’s no life left in me.
I want to die.

[firefly]

Phew, what a powerful, heartfelt and totally gut-wrenching poem! The despair and underlying lack of self respect the victim feels in this piece are almost tangible. A very emotional and difficult read, which, given the subject matter, is probably just what you intended it to be.

Hope this is not written from a personal perspective, if it is, hugs to you , if not, then you have captured an emotion brilliantly, well penned.

Thanks for the read,
firefly

[arunansu]

Pauline, this one is brilliantly penned. However, to me it reads better without the last line. Its just too obvious. Lol. Yet that doesn't take away the enormous emotive power behind the piece.
Thanks for sharing this one. Smiles.

[anniecat]

Yes, nasty razor slashing, cutting unleashed cruel tounged bastard, errr. I hate him selfish pig.
Very good, i've been there and you got it right dear but hope it's not you behind the beast:D

[Pauline]

Thank you Firefly, Aru, Anniecat for your very kind comments.
Thankfully, I am not speaking from experience. Anniecat, you are one very strong woman to be able to survive a situation like this and rebuild your life. Good on ya girl.

[anniecat]

Thanks, a long time ago but one never realy forgets

[David]

If you're not speaking from experience, Pauline - and I'm very glad you're not - I think you've done a really job of imagining what this poor woman might have said. It's almost like a transcription of an actual statement.

Boringly, though, as this is a poetry forum, does it seem horrible of me to say that I'm not sure it's actually a poem? This is the raw material of a poem, and it's very raw, but the poetry is - or would be - in the working of it.

I don't mean that unkindly, at all. Do you see what I mean?

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Nice to see you venture into the world of free verse, Pauline. It’s certainly emotionally charged, and there’s a couple of imaginative lines (I like “prostrate on the cold asphalt of your tracks.”).

I do think, though, that you’ve called quite a few rather dog-eared expressions into service (like a hot knife through butter, give you my all, cause me so much heartache, etc.) – perhaps rather too many to make this the finished item. Also, to my ear, you occasionally spell out your images too much – so, for example, “scalpel accusations” sounds much better to me, capturing your meaning in a more poetic figure. You don't need "sharp" - that's what scalpels are.

Verdict? Some nice points, but a little lacking in “poetic virtue” for my taste – a bit prosey. Definitely worth working on, though.

Hope I don’t sound too depressingly negative – not my intention.
All the best
peter

[Arian]

PS - I posted this, only to see it had crossed with David's similar remarks. Pure accident. Sorry.

[Pauline]

David and Arian, points noted. I do see what you mean about it not being a poem, but it just came into my head and I threw it out there to see what reaction it would get. I have not written any free verse before, and I can take your most valid points on board and learn from them. Thank you for your helpful comments. I am not hurt or upset in any way. I thank you for your time spent on this. Cheers.