Poetry Forum

Abruption

In memory of a stillbirth.
She visualises symphonies
of flowers, turning them
inside out exposing ovules.
Her diaphragm is drawn,
pulled to acute angles
underneath paused lungs.
She forces back recall
stifling its ever presence
while tightening the hold
upon each internal kick
bruising her future smiles.
Droplets bordering gasps,
trapped then all set free
beneath a looking ahead
in knowing how the years
will never change or age.



.
edit: additional first line in italics. corrected post subject typo.

Caesarian birth? An operation of sorts, anyhow.I like "visualises symphonies". "stifling its ever presence" - I think you need some alternative to "ever", it sounds unnatural.
"each internal kick bruising her future smiles" I like that, especially the second part.
The last 5 lines aren't as good, I don't think, I struggle to identify what you're describing (that may be my fault!) but also the language isn't as sharp.

Hello, Dante. I really liked parts of this - with the 'kick bruising her future smiles' probably being my highlight. I thought the 'beneath a looking ahead / in knowing how the years' bit didn't flow that well, and I totally lost the thread of what was going on at this point. Thanks,

Stephen

Ray,

I was hoping the title would say enough to guide the reader and put the piece into its context and take on board your comments regarding various lines
that might require revision depending on how they read in light of my adding the additional line.

Stephen,

As with my reply to Ray, I think the revealing of the subject might throw a little more light on piece and in that context make aspects of the poem
seem more carefully chosen than they might have appeared initially. Don't get me wrong I'm perfectly happy to adjust where it needs improvement
but don't want to be rash about it until I get an idea of how it stands, now I've revealed a little more.

Many thanks

Tim

Tim

This is rather challenging - it has a rawness, a suppressed anger but a tenderness. I feel I should tread carefully as I'm unsure how personal this might be.

bruising her future smiles is a line that captures every emotion I mention above.

The flower image works well in the beginning - symphonies of flowers is a good description.

Im not sure Im so keen on the next medical section but I can see how the matter of factness and rawness works.

Poetically, my main quible would be the ending as it is too similar to age will not weary them nor years condemn but I understand it is hard to find a fresh way of expressing that sense of loss.

One other question - is it abruption?

A challenge but worth the reading

elphin

Thanks Elphin,

I very much appreciate your input. The subject field was not correct as you have rightly mentioned although the title on the poem has been correct from the outset.
Personal relevance is not an issue for me with any work I post and it's my expectation that all work I submit is treated in the same manner.

The section you described as having a medical nature is aimed more at physical feelings, the kick in the stomach like a displacement and emptiness brought about by loss
and droplets are tears without using the crying of tears to describe their falling either side of an open mouthed trying to breathe in a controlled manner.
Tears which have been suppressed until they fall all at once beneath trying to look ahead and beyond and knowing the passage of time will not
be punctuated by years that are numbered or the transition in life that one who is living is altered by. I can see what you are saying about the closing line
and would have avoided similarity with the example you have offered had I have known it existed and will endeavour to find an alternative way of saying it.
I chose a fair amount of the language deliberately to allow dual interpretation which can be matter of fact as there are very few easy to interpret options
which will carry the rawness of emotion I'm working with here, I don't want to bury things too deeply in this piece as that's an area of my work I'm trying to improve.

I'm not going to do any rash editing yet, but will look at where I can do better with this and will consider all feedback and be grateful for it.

Many thanks for your considered reply

Kind regards

Tim

Dante, I have been away a while and missed writes like this, visual and descriptive as always, much enjoyed.
I see you have lost none of your flavour.

Backinblack.

Tim, you might be better saying "She stifles recall forcing back its ever presence", would be clearer?
I think you could make more explicit what's taking place in the body of the poem, rather than the foreword you now have.
I still think the last three lines are awkward, "beneath a looking ahead" particularly so.

hello Dante

As soon as I saw the title I knew this...You dealt with your subject tenderly and with thoughtfulness, some cracking lines.


That's how it made me feel

mes x

I agree with elphin above so totally. It's hard to know how to approach her. I need to tread carefully.


The powerful way you can express is a lesson to us all Dante, if this is a real life experience I am so sorry.

Children are our lives and hopes without them we are nothing

I like you

Tim,

This is nice and tight. The flow is so steady and controlled, it is hard to separate one part from another.
Like with most of your poetry, I believe this has a deeper meaning than the obvious. You express so much within the few words. The mention of time always inspires me to ponder a poem deeper. I love the physical sensations brought out by this one and felt they were well described.

I am not sure of the opening line but am not against it, I only mention it because the second line is so strong, the idea of the flowers being turned out is a good visual. I imagined a white lily, yellow stamen.. dusty pollen left on her fingers.

I enjoyed the uneasiness in this, what a funny thing to say.... lol

Warmly,
Suzanne, oh, and by the way, I like you, too.