Tearing Time

[Danté]

Tearing Time

Today she’s armed and ready, she holds it steady,
points towards his lungs then fires her own confetti.
Floorboards hide the corpse of matrimonial
opportunities all smashed up in a life-size bowl.

He doesn’t know a reason on this day she’s going
only more tirades because it’s always snowing.
She shouts at him until his fucking legs give out,
coolly packs her bag, he finds it hard to breathe now.

The door’s there, she pulls it, she shoves it, she moves it,
he sees another side that she’d forgot to show.
Two kids are on the Wii and can’t be arsed to blow
their racking up of further points, to see the taxi go-go.

It’s doomsday, he knows it, he bursts out and oozes,
grabs onto what he can but drops his dignity.
The girl he once entrusted, gave it all to, to please
has taken up another offer and disowned his penis.


.

[amberleaf]

Oh, it sucks doesn't it, when someone you love leaves.
I really enjoyed this piece,

It’s doomsday, he knows it, he bursts out and oozes,
grabs onto what he can but drops his dignity.
The girl he once entrusted, gave it all to, to please
has taken up another offer and disowned his penis.

especially stood out to me.
You portray your hurt and frustrations. Lay yourself bare.
By the way, did you mean to say
"to see the taxi go- go"?
Great read, as always Danté .

[arunansu]

Yes, another great read, Dante. The piece has got its heart at its right place. The phrases used are very emotive. The one that stood out for me was:
Floorboards hide the corpse of matrimonial
opportunities all smashed up in a life-size bowl
- So uniquely told.

Grand.

[Lovely]

Look, listen here Tim..........this is brilliant. Wonderful you!

I just loved her. Oxford , Yeats, Keats, You!

I know I am a crazy guy Tim. Me know.


I will write for you

still love, it runs deep.

You are poet You. You need to be known, Dante....touch me always


Dave

[Lovely]

Your intellect is fab Dante.........

you tear my eyes Tim

[ray miller]

Tim, I thought the first two lines were terrific but that's as good as it gets, I liked the line about the kids on the Wii and the closing line. The erratic rhythm, or so it seems to me, and the irregular rhyme aren't helping.Maybe it's because the opening sets up a rhythm- and a standard - that isn't maintained.
"grabs onto what he can but drops his dignity" I get the feeling this line should be rhyming with something, or originally did so, now it seems to stick out like a sore thumb.

[David]

Great fun, Tim - good knockabout stuff. I sort of agree with Ray, in that it all goes a bit limp at the end - is that a stylistic device? - but I liked the first three stanzas very much. That S4 does go a bit awry, though. The rhyming up till there is very good, but in S4 it seems to go haywire, and what you are rhyming "penis" with, I have no idea.

Three out of four ain't bad, though.

Cheers

David

[dedalus]

This is so .. so .. bloody good but you lost control and let the anger take over, esp. at the end. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but it's a thing with songs and poems (same thing, really) that you leave people to decide for themselves, without spelling everything out. You do that, they feel dumb. Head-scratching begins.

[Elphin]

Tim

I have nothing to add to what has been said but if it helps you see the consensus - for what thats worth - I would have written what Ray did.

I was anticipating so much more after the first two lines which are really good.

elph

[Lovely]

I have to reply again Tim. Please know the power in you. I found her fantastic at the tenth
read Dante. keep her solid in your heart you



Dave

[anniecat]

This is great but do you need to refer to the falic/penis? as a more loving, subtle, sensual approach could/would be kinder to the reader but i see the write is in anger and this should be expressed, i am a frump but how about disowned his love/dreams/feelings/needs, thwarted his love etc........hmm
mabe not