Love rekindled

[Pauline]

Take me by surprise,
sweep me off my feet once more.
Take me to our special place
where all our passion’s soar.
Lay me gently down
upon a bed of fallen leaves,
and take me.

Hold me close to you,
and let me feel your heart beat fast.
Let me feel the passion
that I felt once in the past.
Wrap yourself around me
with your strong protective arms,
and hold me.

Tell me that you love me,
Say the words I long to hear.
Smother me with tenderness
but make it sound sincere.
Tell me once again that I’m
the one that you adore.
Please tell me.


I have swapped the second and third verse around.

[arunansu]

Like the tenderness in the write. Though, pardon me, I was expecting a more deeper write from you, after having read your earlier pieces, still, I wasn't fully disappointed. Smiles.

[Pauline]

Cheers Arun.
To be honest, I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I just thought I'd throw it out there.
I know what you mean.
It's a little lame isn't it.
Never mind.
Back to the drawing board.

[Danté]

Pauline,

I like the way you have used repetition of the desire depicted in each opening line and closed each stanza with that repetition, I think that works with this type of subject.
Having said that it's one of the most difficult subjects to write in an original sounding way and I guess one has to simply accept that and take the poem at face value and enjoy it for what it says and the way it is put together. Personally I'd consider the order in which you currently have the verses as the last verse seems to close more weakly than the other two, so perhaps it might be worth swapping it with verse two and see if one feels greater satisfaction, using the stronger closure of that verse.

Penultimate line of verse one, I'm wondering if "the" would be better as "a"? "the", seems too stuffy to me, for the want of a better comparison and I can't help getting the feeling of it implying too much of an exclusive quality to something that is such a widespread phenomena. Also the use of "a" increases assonance in the last three lines of that verse and gives a pleasant effect when read aloud.

Just those couple of suggestions which you can take or leave as you wish

Enjoyed the read

all the best

Danté

[Pauline]

Thanks Dante.
Yes "a" will sound bettet than "the" in the first verse. I shall change it.
I will also change the other verses around like you suggested.
You may not believe me when I say that I swapped them over earlier on, as I weren't sure about the layout.
Thanks for your time on this.

[anniecat]

Well i can't say a lot coz it's already been said, but i likes it:D

[Pauline]

Hey,
cheers Annie.

[David]

Nicely done, Pauline. I like the way you've chosen a form - not the most common one - and stuck to it, but without making it seem contrived or forced. And I like those three-syllable last lines in each verse. They work really well.

Cheers

David

[Pauline]

Thanks David.
Appreciated.

[Lake]

Yes, like David, I too like the last line of each stanza - the parallel, imperative structure, take me, hold me, tell me.

Cheers,

Lake

[Pauline]

Thanks Lake.