Poetry Forum

Chain-smoking

I light the start of
a brand new experience;
using hot remnants.

Not knowing how
it will burn; until it’s been lit.


.

are you smoking actual chains? is that why its a new experience?

and a great ending line

DISCLAIMER: Kids smoking is not cool.

Quite enigmatic this one Tim - a metaphor for the new but not so new, relationship maybe?

I like it - one suggestion would be to use the form a bit more to help your theme. maybe have one stanza leading into next, maybe have an ending and beginning that are the same or similar like a chain. I think short pieces lend themselves to the use of form.

One other point -its normally considered a weak ending to end a line on of

I like what you have been doing recently.

elph

Really loved it, Danté. Like the idea in this short poem - using the leftover to start something new in V1, and the wisdom in V2. Not a word is wasted. My only hesitation is about the use of semicolon at the end of L2. I'm not good at punctuation, but I thought ';' is used to connect two independent clauses into one sentence. And of course it can be used in other situations which I'm not aware of. If that's the case, please let me know.

Thanks for the thoughtful read.

Lake

I like this.
great metaphor for rekindling a romance.
Make the fire burn again.
Very subtle Dante.

Clever this one, lot's of thoughts nice

Thanks Guys,

I think the most rewarding aspect of my posting this piece is variation in how the mechanics of the poem have found accord with individual ways of applying the concept to different life situations.

Elph, I'll have a look at re drafting in the way you have suggested, your comments are much appreciated.

Thanks Pauline, I was hoping for a variety of takes on the poem, yours being one I had in mind.

Lake, I think you have a point in relation to the second semicolon, I'll most likely adjust that last line, but think it's borderline as it is as I've found a number of precedents that exhibit very similar usage in grammatical references but that's not to say it is best practice to have it in my application of it. I'd rather be on the money than splitting hairs, so take on board what you have said.

John, I think you got a different take altogether on the poem, the title is simply an allusion towards one thing leading to the next and is part of the bigger metaphor.
I agree, kids not smoking is cool and I wasn't promoting a tobacco product or suggesting the burning of a bit of greenery either so don't think I'll be inspiring
a new generation of smokers lol.

Thanks anniecat, glad you found something in the lines.

all the best

Danté

Great, just a great experience, this small vignette of yours. Two thumbs up!

Thanks Aru,

That's greatly encouraging, your thoughts are very much appreciated. Thank you

Tim

I light up the start
of each new experience
with cooling embers

Just a thought Tim. I like the basic conceit.

B.

~

what might happen next is in the cigar......very Inca of Poupal Vou. Where did you study her?
She a fantastic ancient script. Niven found the tablets 200 years ago and Churward
translated one gave one said. I am not saying it is related to this but reminds me
of it

chain-smoking you "to smoke to dream to be seen"..the opening words of Chuchward;

so keep up the subconcious momento of this cigar. There are many other meanings of
course as there is in any rose

Thanks Brian, that's certainly worth considering and appreciated. I'm a bit behind with my edits at the moment due to limited time in which I'm able to sit in the conventional manner at my pc. It's just my leg, which I'm only mentioning because I don't wan't to appear ungrateful.

Thank you Lovely,

I've delved into the writings of many ancient cultures because I am more inclined to believe them than a lot of what's been said by the more recent self serving individuals who would like to take credit for discovering that shit falls in the direction of the earth's gravitational pull. Of course they had agendas too, but less impact on the wider world.

many thanks

Tim

Hi Danté,
I thought this was metaphorically very good. Have you considered writing “Nanni” (It’s a recently introduced and popular style of Indian Poetry) it’s normally written on four lines with between twenty and twenty-five syllables. There's no restriction on subject
Here is an example of it by me.

She spoke to me of love
in words of truth.
It was then I realised
that the dead don’t lie.

Best regards,
Turtlewax, bottom of the class poet.

Danté,

I loved the image of burning through people so quickly. "using hot remnants" was my favorite line. Dark and beautiful imagery.
I enjoyed the way S2 jars the reader with the semi-colon and 1 fewer line. Great symbolism.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

-Lorelei

Thanks, Tutlewax I'll get myself informed about writing "Nanni" and have a go with the form, as it's not one I've encountered and might well be a useful catalyst for my shorter ramblings. The example is useful, I'll give it a go later.

Thank you Lorelei, I appreciate your reply. I don't think we've met, welcome to PG. Are you going to join in and post?

all the best

Danté

Danté,

Thank you! I would love to post in the future, but for now I am learning the ropes.

-Lorelei