Poetry Forum

Wallpapering

He looked
as if he’d got dressed
ready for a netball court,

talked at his shoes,
watching screws
over my right shoulder.

I sat, trying to
funnel his words
into an explanation,
connect him
with a friendship.

He spoke
of a collage
depicting an afternoon
and a picnic,

tasting mutual gasps
of engagement
shared on a tartan rug,
suffocating grass
beneath it.

His mother
discovered his life
loosely laid out,
glued fast onto card,

She hung it
in the hallway
and passes it by,
wondering
at its bold stereotype.

It doesn’t cover
any of the bloodspots,
but she reads it
far better than signs.

She waits on his children.


.

I like that this is an enabler for the imagination, but, and maybe I'm just too tired, I can't put together what I think it might mean; at least nothing I'm sure of to confidently blurt out right now. I'd like to see how this one rests with me as I read it on a different day. Maybe it related to mourning and a legacy (big or small, whatever), I don't know.

Nice one, Danté.

Reads well but i'm not sure i get it, is about someone who's gone a bit nut's and locked up?

Tim,

I like the language, the hinting at something without spelling it out but I think its just the wrong side of opaque. I believe in asking the reader to work and to allow ambiguity but I think this one needs more signposts - I dont think necessarily you need much more in the verse - maybe the title needs to be working harder.

Other point would be apparent randomness of stanza lengths (at least to me), some weak line endings (to, it)

tasting mutual gasps
of engagement
shared on a tartan rug,
suffocating grass
beneath it.

My favourite stanza for its images and sounds.

Hope there is something in these thoughts for you.

elph

I've been reading this poem since yesterday, and each time enjoyed the graphic appeal. I may not get close to its core, but sometimes the enigma sounds so nice, so real. Love that last line, without knowing why. Bring more!

Thanks for the replies.

I shouldn't really have posted this but was hours from going under the knife and for some bizarre reason wanted to post something in case I wouldn't be around for a while.

Grant, anniecat, Aru, elphin,

You have all confirmed my own doubts in respect of of the piece having the element which could make the whole thing resolve. I'll see if I can do a little more with it and reveal the plot a bit better without over doing it. I was feeling a bit apprehensive at the time, and drafted it in the posting field in a couple of minutes and figured that I'd rely on you folks to point out the obvious so I have the opportunity to make something of it. I've not been disappointed, so a sincere thanks for that.
I'll tinker with this today and get a revision up.

Many thanks

Danté

I liked the way it wanted to go the other way, eh?

I would make something of it myself but it woud not be the same.
Originals when worthy, are always sweet.

It's typical You.

I enjoyed. Liked S1

Thanks Lovely,

I am extremely happy to see you here, in light of the tone of previous messages.

all the best

Tim

Hi Dante,
firstly, I hope you have recovered from your op.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
Is this about a shrink, trying to build up a rapport with a man in a mental hospital/prison, who has killed his wife.
Hoping to gain his trust, so he will reveal what happened on that fateful day.
His mum is left to raise his children.
I hope I'm not too far off the mark lol.