Poetry Forum

Golden light of infinite exposure...these are dreams, droplets and fragrances that feel so real;
Lulled by falsity... jittered nerves settled in a quiet niche by a wet fissure and the swans drift on by
As men puff on hookahs.. white palpitating smoke escapes over their safe sanctuary...and the wildfowl swim.

Those raptures of the wild, crystallized in the flapping wing of a butterfly;
Fluctuations dispersing...
Yet all I see is a singular moment which vanishes as quickly as it came;
These are the challenges one must attempt,

To behold the unfathomable
To behold the untouchable

To live truely in the moment
Is to awaken...

Welcome to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)

This is intended to be a friendly (but serious) forum where inexperienced poets can post their poetry and get feedback from other members.

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http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3537
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Dear R,
I love the way you have opened your piece, though it reads as if a "prose poem". No harm done, but I stumbled upon "Those raptures of the wild, crystallized in the flapping wing of a butterfly". Are sure its 'crystallized'? Smiles.

I personally feel, if you want to use a prose-like approach, you should continue with it. That said, I must also add that I have enjoyed reading your poem immensely.

Thank you.

Thanks Aranasu for the feedback, it's my first poem on the forum so I'm pleased someone liked it.

The line you pointed out - I think I wanted to express the conundrum of the piece, the way nature seems to fluctuates with no consistent form as it passes through time (i.e. the flapping wing) yet crystallized was used to show that it seems so permanent, the movement was captured in my mind as a fluid action, yet again, this is the conundrum, at no point is there any fluidity, only singularity and impermanence. Perhaps crystallized wasn't right, I'm not sure, I'm glad you picked up on it if you weren't happy.

Raincoat,

Welcome to PG,

it's my first poem on the forum so I'm pleased someone liked it.

It's been a bit quiet here for a few days, but you'll most likely find that others are more likely to express their opinions in relation to your poems if you put a bit more into the forum by way of doing the required amount of critiques.
That's a multifaceted action which gives other posters a chance to have a peek at your observation skills as well as the obvious courtesy of demonstrating that you are not simply looking for a free ride at the expense of those who do use the give and take approach. It's also a good way to learn and offers a greater return than just posting poetry to see if anyone likes it or not. You seem to know your verbs from your nouns, so no need to be shy, if your input is a little more generous you'll most likely find the rewards reflect that in a symmetrical way.

all the best

Danté

Dante,

First of all, great name... second...

Really good read. My only critcism is on the line 'jittered nerves settled in a quiet niche by a wet fissure and the swans drift on by' , I understand that this a prose appraoch, but this line really doesn't hang together for me, possibly 'as the swans drifted on by' ?

Durante.