Never Mind.
He minds the Mind that minds the Soul
Mines the ore that sees the Minded grow
Holds heart with the Heart that does not know
A heart never minded beats all too slow
He watches the Watchers through clouded eyes
Wiping tears like raindrops from once blue skies
Blotting out the sun with his soul's solemn cry
That heart that so minded never did mind I
He minded the mind that minded the Soul
Mined the ore that saw the Minded grow
Held heart with a heart that does now know
A heart never minded beats all too slow
Never Mind
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
One at a time, please, durante - it's only polite to join in commenting on other poems before posting so many of your own. Please read the guidelines at the top of the forum. You'll get more response to your own work if you respond to other people.
Ros
Ok, I see you are commenting - fair enough. Feel free to say hello in our introductions forum.
Ros
Ros
Ok, I see you are commenting - fair enough. Feel free to say hello in our introductions forum.
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
No, I jumped in rather quickly. We've had a few recently who've posted lots of poems but not contributed otherwise. Apols.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
Well, I like the rhythm but it is rather a tongue-twister. The play on words is clever, though generally with contemporary poetry it's thought best to avoid words like 'heart' and 'soul' and try to hit on some more original, concrete images. But if you wanted to keep it as this sort of play on words you could try to find more interesting ways to say tears like raindrops and Blotting out the sun, which are a bit cliched.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
The poem is atmosphere met, with words that play lawful within the meter,
There is a beet and a rhythm;
One nit though, no comers, full stops, and capitals on every line;
It is very elastic, i find no yoke around the poem as to give it a bad crit
well put together, and i did enjoy reading it;
There is a beet and a rhythm;
One nit though, no comers, full stops, and capitals on every line;
It is very elastic, i find no yoke around the poem as to give it a bad crit
well put together, and i did enjoy reading it;
The verbs link well with the subjective feelings inside of you.
The first line could have been "John Keats" for sure.
As Ross said take it easy try not to get over excited as it were,
to help others is more important for the self. This will develop your work and art
I like you I guess
The first line could have been "John Keats" for sure.
As Ross said take it easy try not to get over excited as it were,
to help others is more important for the self. This will develop your work and art
I like you I guess