Poetry Forum

Hey guys,
This is my first post - a poem I wrote after visiting Florence, Italy.


Grandeur from the moment of entry
amidst quaint streets where walked long ago
gentry of old; the blue blood, and artists
that told their story through each commission sold.
Their private thoughts beyond what most once held
turned collective. Their eyes, our ears -
Still we listen.
And silent beats our thoughts with racing hearts
as we marvel at the historic arts.
Forever smitten.
When once my heart and mind fluttered
aimlessely through the vast expanse of time -
(now anchored under those sapphire skies)
I'll reclaim again in body where I now reside
for my eternity
has been re-written.


Please feel free to comment
Ophelias

That must have been quite a visit to prompt you to write your first poem, one of many places on my long must visit list. You express quite clearly the effect the visit had on you as a person.

Dear BJ,


I found this moving like a sea of tears. I think you have a natural here.


I love the Italians...the art ...the culture....the beautiful food. We can
enjoy with our hearts these beatiful peoples. They were a forward for
refined art which is eternal by right

Thankyou

Thanks for your replies

Ben, you should definitely visit sometime!

Lovely - yup I agree about their art! I always wanted to do art at school but I never did. At the time of the visit, I was thinking about changing my career path from scientist to artist and the visit was that final push! Now, I feel like I'm right where I should be in life and it feels great.
It's amazing how people can go to the same places and share experiences but take different things from it.

liking the half rhyme, the mood is great, but wondering if a few of the descriptions are too obvious i.e. vast expanse of time, sapphire skies, if you could take a few more risks with the descriptions reckon this could be really good.

Florence is an amazing place. Clearly it moved you a great deal. Certainly took me back to my visit there a couple of years ago.

Hey Raincoat..

I definitely agree!! It's almost a cringeworthy cliche. Thinking about it, overused and obvious
I've been reading a lot lately to try to improve my vocabulary so hopefully I'll come up with something better soon - I'll post amendment soon.

Hi Offelias, looking back my remark didn't seem very encouraging, I actually think this is a great first poem, it has an enchanting quality to it, I liked the vocabulary as well which feels accurate to the mood, just wondering if a few of the descriptions you could make more specific..a smell, a sight etc but I'm only nit picking,

Welcome! Thank you for your poem and being brave enough to post it. We all start somewhere and it's a bit terrifying.

I'm glad you liked Florence. If you decide to work further about this, make it more personal, like something which you cannot shake off.And don't be afraid to point out what isn't good about something you love!

Thank you and all good wishes

jacq

Hey Raincoat - Don't worry about your replies at all.. I appreciate the points of view. It's why I joined!
To be honest I'd think something was wrong if no one had any constructive criticism.

dogofdiogenes - thanks for your welcome I'll be aware of that next time I write.. I never thought of pointing out something I hate about what I love. I'll find it much more terrifying when I post something written while I was depressed - but hey.. Maybe that will help me to not hide how I've felt. In my more emotional poems there's a strong sense of personal conflict which I hope I've expressed. I should probably post another and see what people have to say.. save on the explanation and let people read