monsoon - II

[arunansu]

pine leaves
lose patience
rain plops

plopping sounds
build a chorus
the path bends

path bends
near a bungalow
a milestone

the milestone
where sun had died
years ago

years ago
a young July
brought me here

here I stand
a rope bridge sways
above a stream

the stream
doggedly cleans
bloodied rocks

[BenJohnson]

Well this is a very different story to the previous monsoon. The connections work better for me, I think it is because sometimes the connection is one word, sometimes it is the whole line getting repeated.

The last verse is extremely good. I also like the first one with the exception of the word 'plops'. Although it is good Onomatopoeia, the word plop unfortunately has rather comical associations of meaning, personally I would prefer the more commonplace drips, but I love the "pine leaves lose patience" which is exactly right.

I also enjoy the feeling the poem is taking me on a journey "the path bends","a milestone","here I stand".

[arunansu]

Thanks Ben. The word "plop" was chosen as you said for its sound. May I put in that the first version was more difficult to write than this one, there was more challenge. However, I'm glad that you've liked this. Thank you for the time and replying.

[KevJ]

Plops seems fine to me Aru, in the context of the poem. You take us on a wonderful journey here.

[oranggunung]

Hi Aru

I like your less rigid links between the stanzas in this sequel. The images feel more vivid. Perhaps that's something to do with the different material too.

Pondering on some of the links:

S1/S2 - would 'splash' work as an alternative to 'plop' ?

S2/S3 - might S3 begin "bending path", rather than "path bends" ?

S5/S6 - would "now I stand" at the beginning of S6 stretch the less formal links too far ?


enjoyed

og

[NoName]

I think plop is best here, plop has a round, whole sound whereas drip is less generous, splash too much, and then the continuation of "plopping sounds build a chorus" wouldn't work so nicely if it was "dripping sounds".... "splashing sounds would be too confusing as the poem is quite peaceful sounding.

I like the poem, that's all I can say, i'm afraid I have no experience making a critique.

[Lake]

Very neat.

On the other hand, I feel the repetition sounds like our haiku train, a chain. Would it be possible that the set of haiku is still linked, shifted in some subtle way without repeating the same words? Just wondering.

Lake

[arunansu]

Thanks KevJ and NoName for your inputs.

Dear Og,

I like your suggestions,"bending path" do sound better, but in Haiku its the fragmented approach that brings magic. At least that's what I feel personally. But I'm NOT ignoring yours.

Thanks Lake, I just craved for using repetitions in a Haiku string! And I wish to do more in the future, only, I have to take extra care on how they sound. Smiles.