Poetry Forum

Hey guys,
This is one of my darker ones although it's probably a little weird. Probably quite clumsy too so any criticism is more than welcome


You say you see it, I can see it too.
A pleasant and constant appreciation for that which was meant
to release us from the ever-tightening grip of the 'mechanical hand'.
But such feelings can only truly be derived from experiencing inner torment.
Debilitating, terrible torment designed as I said, to see what you say you do.

You say you’ve felt it: of course I’ve felt it, and seen it through.
Lessons forced upon me by the hand of my own mind have indeed
drawn me to what appears to be a heartbreakingly observable end.
But can the depth of these answers be the same? Do they mean the same need?
Empathy would lie closer if you’ve felt the hard way too.

You say it’s silly, I can see it was nothing new.
That being as we are in our nature to question every aspect of life
had given rise to such destructive powers that held my presence for years.
But in my absence I learnt much more than implications of bitter strife.
Irrelevant. I could cope now for eternity. Could you?

Cleverly constructed and the language flows really well. looking forward to reading more!

Clever rhyming scheme, offelias - where did you pick that up from? - but the lines are very long and, consequently, they sprawl a bit. I'd like to see the same scheme, but the lines shorter and sharper.

As to the meaning, I can make out the accusing, recriminatory tone, but I wasn't sure where it came from.

offelias wrote:I could cope now for eternity. Could you?

Big claim! Not sure how it follows, but it's certainly intriguing.

Cheers

David

Hello Offelias,

I like the rhyming scheme too, I think that it's quite well handled. I would like to see S3 L3 revised to match the third lines in the first two stanzas, you have a partial rhyme in the first two with 'hand and 'end' but then lose it in the third with 'years'.

I agree with David in that it could do with tightening up a bit, the lines do tend to sprawl.

I do have a tendency to be very clumsy with my sentences.. I don't really think while I'm writing I just write so I think I should probably go over afterwards to check on things like that. I'll see what I cam come up with.. it might be difficult as I'm not necessarily in the same mind as I was when I wrote the poem but it will be good practice I don't know the rhyming scheme unfortunately.. I just wrote what I felt.
(Thanks to you guys I'm starting to learn though..)

The history of the poem was after coming out of a period of depression, when someone said they'd felt like hell once too. At the time, I found it quite insulting (very short-minded of me). I thought at the time that anyone with any experience in the department of uncontrollable, self-inflicted 'hell' would be more empathic rather than accusatory - and so this was my response.

The sentence "I could cope now for eternity. Could you?" sums up the lessons I learnt about myself and the world when looking from that state of mind. In other words, I learnt what I appreciated about life. Subtle beauties, fundamental aspects of life that don't change, qualities that make people who they are etc.. I feel as though no matter how bad I can feel now, there will always be those beautiful things that will keep me alive.
It took me a long time but I found what I needed in life to bring me back. I've since also learnt that I'm not the only one in the world, and everyone deals with things in different ways.. including hiding the feelings that seem 'weak'. So in hindsight.. I'm no longer insulted

Yes, there's something here, for sure. It clearly stems from something deeply felt.

For me, though, it's too close to prose (though it's well-written prose), to resonate with me in a poetic sense. Partly, this is down to the (as others say) sprawling lines, but it's also the lack of (rhymes apart - I agree, they're nicely done), poeticisms such as rhythm, imagery, assonance...blah, blah.

But there's enough feeling and philosophy here, in my view, to act as the basis of a good piece - I can see ways in which it could be changed to make it very strong.

Cheers
peter

Thanks for your comments - very appreciated.

How do you think I should go about re-writing to improve?
I thought I'd start with counting the syllables to see if there are any correlations. Also I will figure out what's going on with the rhyming.
Maybe there is a pattern that I can work on.. or the beginning of.

I'm concerned that I might spoil the poem by changing the structure if I go about it in the wrong way but there's only one way to learn

I shouldn't get too obsessed with syallable counting, if were you. It's possible - indeed, it's common - to be overly deferential to theoretical form, with the result that you end up with something rigid and contrived. On the other hand, you've set up a nice, natural, unforced, rhyme pattern here, and it's a shame to undermine it with some rather (in my view) laboured lines. I think they could be simplified without losing the sense, or feeling, of the piece - a change which would also dramatically help the flow of the poem. I'll try and make a more specific suggestion a little later.

cheers
peter

Peace. Silence is golden. Many will not hear it for them better to be.
Asleep is bliss when pionted upwards...asleep is dark downwards with nightmares.

The earth stuck between the sad chorus of it all what a joke, it means nothing

presenting daisies to the prayers . SOS. To gods and light.


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Today's motto: We all have a death sentence in life...smile and be happy