Poetry Forum

He preserved his summer while
snowdrops drooped and daffys ducked,
by pinning red admirals
and small tortoiseshells.

Through the thorax is best,
without unhinging the wings you see,
gentle forceps for the
curation of this season.

Painted ladies in shadow boxes,
under his bed of course.
All glad, all waiting for
his gentle touch in winter.

- Neil.

Hello Neil,

I like this, I like it's eccentricity, especially in S2 L2 with the addition of 'you see' to the end of the line. The last stanza is great.

The only criticism that I would have is 'daffys ducked'. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece, it feels to me that it's trying too hard to be funny.

Enjoyed it very much.

Hi Neil

Whether it's intentionally ironic or not, don't you think the title's in danger of placing the piece in competition with this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxvxMPO5owg

Anyhow, I quite like the sense it creates of a fixated collector - I agree that s3 is easily the highlight. Very good.

Two point struck me -
1. Snowdrops in summer! Blimey. Never seen that. You're right that they'd be drooping!

2. What's curation? New one on me. Duration?

Cheers
peter

Great to see you posting again, Neil. Raised your eyes for a few moments from a fresh steaming nappy, have you?

Like this a lot, anyway. Your curator (hence the curation, I assume) seems both quietly likable and vaguely creepy. Larkinesque, for all kinds of reasons. He had a famous collection of, ahem, painted ladies. Or am I way off the mark?

Would they all be glad, though, do you think? Of course that may be how he likes to think of them, in which case it works very well.

Cheers

David

P.S. Two gentles! Un peu de trop, n'est-ce pas?

Thanks, gents.

@Nash: yep, you're right, "daffys ducked" is a bit smart-arsey, but very me nonetheless Glad you liked 'you see', it was a late addition, but a good one IMHO.

@Peter: yep, the title was ironic, and was quite deliberate. I can see this guy humming this song to himself (but completely missing the point of it) as he goes about his slightly creepy 'curation' of butterfly corpses. The droopy flowers were and end-of-spring / start-of-summer reference, but perhaps for no particular reason hmm...

@David: yep, baby Ellis is giving us a little spare time now that she's almost 6 months . You're right about the painted ladies ref, and also that 'glad' refers to the curator, not his collection. I'm realising I could have written this with the curator as the narrator, or perhaps leave it ambiguous...

Painted ladies in shadow boxes,
under the bed of course.
All glad, all waiting for
a gentle touch in winter.

dunno, dunno...

(P.S. David: Un peu, peut-être, je ne sais pas, je ne sais jamais)

Cheers again for reading and commenting.

- Neil.

Loved your work. I join the others in praising your work. Nothing new to add. Smiles.

Aru!

I'm just back after a long break, and was worried you had left.

Glad you're still around. Are you still writing your shorties? Looking forward to reading more of them.

Warmest,

- Neil.

Neil,

I very much like this, but FWIW I found the collector to be utterly creepy like something out of a new Thomas Harris novel:
"Hannibal Lepidoptera".
There is IMHO a strong suggestion of preying on prostitutes and necrophilia in

Painted ladies in shadow boxes,
under his bed of course.
All glad, all waiting for
his gentle touch in winter.
, or is that just me? .

I felt no sympathy for him , so in this context "daffys ducked" doesn't work for me, although normally I can't resist a good pun.
Possibly you could get the collector himself to say it, as part of his "eccentricity"?

Geoff

Hey, Geoff.

re: "utterly creepy" & "preying on prostitutes and necrophilia"

Good, good. I'm glad you have "no sympathy", and also that David finds him "quietly likeable". This makes him more real.

I wanted to half-paint him and the reader to fill in the rest. Personally, I pity his loneliness, but respect his (albeit macabre) dedication.

"daffys ducked" is actually where this poem started, but would be the first cut on any rewrite. Gotta love the process of writing!

Thanks for your insights.

- N

I have been asked why don't I crit more precise?

But how can I when its me? I will knock a poet
unless to vain but this is a pain a constant restrain
blood running throug my veins kindly
in a vane which will touch

Neil, Firstly great to see you here posting.

Now this reminded me of my childhood, in a big way. I was insect mad and gave my mother plenty to worry about with my days out discovering and studying all manner of insects, with my syringes loaded with formalin and a cotton wool filled large jar and a bottle of ether I managed to convince the local chemist would be safe in the hands of a ten year old. Without the formalin, one would have a box full of half eaten fragments to study and draw in the winter. I posted a butterfly piece up top, must be that time of year

The title is not of the same quality as the poem.

The snow drops might benefit from being descried as having withdrawn their foliage back into their bulbs of being in the process of doing so, if I am getting the context right.

The ducks do leap out a little, but having read you a fair bit in the past, I suspect it is more for the ageing of your character than humour.
I like the voicing of the poem, "you see" a wonderful inclusion.

kind regards

Tim

nar wrote:as he goes about his slightly creepy 'curation' of butterfly corpses.

Ah, gotcha! All the same, it sounds a slightly odd, not to to mention contrived, noun. Still, it's good to see poetic inventation at work.
cheers
peter

In keeping with your advise on good bad good sandwich...
you definetly have me hooked, i want to know more. I find the character to be a lonely one. He puts what he does under his bed and waits until the dark days of winter to look at them, maybe reminding himself of happy times. to not show what he enjoys seems very insular and lonely to me.
i dont like the 2nd line with the duck, doesnt feel right to me either but apart from that
its like looking in through his kitchen window watching him do it, very inspirational.
regards

Agree with David view that the curator in question being, “quietly likable and vaguely creepy”.

Anyone who collect dead anything will automatically fall into the “vaguely creepy” category if you ask me. (Psycho anyone?)

Like the clinical nature of ,” Through the thorax is best,
without unhinging the wings you see”

Enjoyed the ending as well – made me picture a tiny man just counting down the days until he begin capturing his pry again,

However, only niggle, the title reminded me of that awful Butterflies programme of the early 80’s with the young Rodney Trotter in it. Awful programme,

More comments! YAY.

Lovely: Thanks for reading, but don't "knock a poet" unless you must.

Tim: Thanks for your insights. I guess the title missed. I wanted the reader to hear the song, but it not fit with the character in the poem. No - the ducks were simply for humour, I'm afriad, but I wish you were right.

Peter: Curation to me sounds like one of those words this type of person would (over)use, that's why I chose it. I guess it was meant to jar and sound a little odd.

billycasper: That's the spirit! Get stuck in. I hadn't considered the "looking in his kitchen window" angle here, but I think you're right. The character himself was meant to be a bit voyeuristic, so I like that you've turned it back on him I'm glad you want to know more - as I said elsewhere, I wanted to half-paint him, and have the reader fill in the blanks. He's been creepy, quietly likeable and now lonely. All are consistent here to me. Cheers for the crit!

John: You got the 80's programme reference . I try to keep that tune in my head when I re-read this.

Thanks all.

- Neil.

nar wrote:I guess it was meant to jar and sound a little odd.

In that case, Neil, I take it all back and congratulate you, because it achieves its objective with room to spare!

Cheers
peter

Coming late to this, but like it. Slightly creepy as others have said.

I agree with the others re the snowdrops and daffys, time to chop them. In fact this thought prompted me to wonder about this construction

He preserved his summer by pinning
red admirals and small tortoiseshells
through the thorax.It is best, you see
not to unhinge the wings, gentle forceps
for the curation of this season.

and so on....

Apologies for being so rude as to rewrite but its easier than explaining - my intention is to create a more structured stanza. Its how i imagine the collector would be - ordered and everything even.

Just a thought

elph

Hi, Neil

Nice to meet you. I've read your poem a couple of times and have thoroughly enjoyed it.
I have to agree with a few previous comments that L2 could be easily left out. I don't think it adds much to the overall feeling of the poem, which is quite striking for me. The 'of course' in the last strophe wraps it up and just fits in the way it's supposed to be.

Best regards,
Maria

Hi Neil,

Your title also took me back to the tv sitcom and, of course, to the song, which to my surprise I believe I remember the lyrics to intact. The title can be taken as a pun or literally, as the curator is performing an act of love, preserving his objects of desire for future enjoyment.

Your 2L seems to stand out as rather nonsensical inside the context of the poem which is a precise description about an act of great precision. I like the droopy snowdrops and the ducking daffys, a touch of nonsense which im sure has every right to exist in your world, might even have its origin in something remembered from the tv series (the characters were vaguely absurd,or very vague and absurd). The poem is very elegant and a great read. Liked it very much. The curator is a tad creepy, but seems harmless enough.

Giselle

Hello nar.Liked the poem, a delicate , fragile thing with a lovely ending.I thought the "you see" was unnecessary in line 6. And what are shadow boxes? Just dark boxes?

Nice guy? Harmless enough?
You're all mad!
Whatever you do, don't look in his fridge!

Elph: Thanks for the rewrite. Given the number of constructive comments I've had, I may consider a rewrite, and will certainly take what you've said into account.

Maria: Nice to meet you too. You're right about L2. That's the first thing to be chopped in any rewrite. I'm glad you liked the feeling & tone.

Giselle: I hadn't considered the link between L2 and the characters in the sitcom, but you may have a point. I'm really glad you enjoyed the poem.

penguin: Shadow boxes are for mounting & framing stuff (http://www.butterfly-designs.com/). Interesting comment about L6. It was meant to be heard from the curator as if he was showing someone else what to do. Thanks for your comments.

Geoff: lol, no: perhaps best not to look in his fridge or in his attic.

Thanks again everyone, it's great to get so many useful crits.

- Neil