Poetry Forum

And if you know your history,
it’s enough to make your heart
sink; like yet another fuckin’
hosepipe ban on Tatooine.

It is old and it is beautiful,
and its colours they are fine.
Fine, as long as they’re as orange
as a broken Buckfast bottle label.

By a lonely prison wall,
I heard a young girl calling.
“You left me three weanes
with nae faither ya useless twat.”

Up to our knees in fenian blood,
surrender or you’ll
no get served doon the chippy.

Oh I’d rather be a paki than a tim.
Would ye like a chicken supper Bobby Sands.
A dirty smelly, paki.
Ya dirty fenian fucker…

A protected cultural highlight of Glasgow is underway.
It may be raining - please spare them a thought.

Brilliant, I'm liking your style Nar.

I've just been going through it again to pick out some favourite lines, but they're all good (maybe except for the Tatooine one, not so keen on that).

The ending's hilarious.

I really like this!
I love the way the accent comes across.. it really brings a lot to the poem.

"Up to our knees in fenian blood,
surrender or you’ll
no get served doon the chippy."

Lol. I don't have any criticisms although I do agree with Nash about the Tatooine.
Good job

Neil

All of this is instantly familiar from the towns where I was raised. I think the way you have added your own last lines to the lyrics to emphasise the ridiculousness is very well done.

Poetically, I would prefer you had kept to that pattern all the way through the poem. I think the last two stanzas are the weakest for not having that format.

Maybe you could end with "the mac my father wore"

elph

Thanks everyone.

This was just a rant wrapped up in a bit of fun.

Elph: you're right of course about the broken pattern. Might rethink that.

Nash / offelias: Thanks for the comments. The Tatooine line was a bit out-there! Just me trying to be smart-arsey again.

Cheers,

- Neil

Good stuff, Neil. I had to google Tatooine, so I'm clearly not as nerdy / geeky as I thought. Mind you, I never liked the Star Wars films.

I agree with Elph about conforming to the pattern you've set up. Also thought the last two lines are a bit obscure - "A protected cultural highlight of Glasgow is underway" ... I think I know what you mean, but it doesn't seem to hold together as a sentence.

I like your sense of humour a lot. Pawky, eh?

Cheers

David

Ahh, I have to agree with David and Elph, my ear would refer you to follow your own pattern thru to the end . . . but oh, my word, what a delight this is. More than just witty, this reads like pretty good social commentary to me. Nice one sir.

(Oh, and for goodness sake, ditch the disclaimer -- we're all grown-ups here . . . aren't we?)

B.

~

David: Cheers, old bean. I'm not sure what you mean about the last two lines being a little obscure. I was simply pointing out that it was the 12th of July, and Orange Walks were underway in Glasgow. Even after all these years (and the trouble the walks can cause), they are still allowed to go ahead. I'm glad you think there's some pawkiness here; it felt more like a rant when I was writing it .

Brian: Thank for that. Yes, you're all correct about the pattern. Everything would work better if it was consistent to the end. Especially in the context of quoting 'song' lyrics. As I said to David, I was ranting a little, so again I'm pleased you picked up some wit and social-commentry.

(re. the disclaimer: yes, I'm certain PGW members are all big enough to take the non-pc stuff in context, but perhaps guests to the board might not. S5 quotes some lines that are still close-to-the-bone in Glasgow).

Cheers again everyone.

- Neil.

what a lovely pattern of thought. Straight from the gut straight from the heart.


I think I have forgoten to spell what the hell, take me down for being a clown
anyways..........I liked it.."be a lonely prison wall"...some nice poetry here.

me

nar wrote:David: Cheers, old bean. I'm not sure what you mean about the last two lines being a little obscure. I was simply pointing out that it was the 12th of July, and Orange Walks were underway in Glasgow. Even after all these years (and the trouble the walks can cause), they are still allowed to go ahead. I'm glad you think there's some pawkiness here; it felt more like a rant when I was writing it .

Oh okay. I think I missed the fact that they're going on at the moment. Of course they are. I've always thought that it should be "under way" - two words, rather than one - but it seems that's not the case.