Poetry Forum

rev. 1

If I could go back
I'd let it write me.

You are my pharaoh
serenading rock songs
under blue moons.
We make love,
you on top,
my legs spread open
in the night sky,

the moon's skin
our pillow. We decide
to lie on grass
away from light

or darkness. You offer me
another rock song.
I wipe the sweat from your forehead
with my lips, breathe out

countless ways to love you,
as many as the freckles
on your body
over and over again.





--

If I could go back
I'd let it write me.

You are my pharaoh serenading
rock songs under blue moons.

Eyes closed
we make love,
you on top,
my legs spread open
in the night sky,
the moon's skin
our pillow. We decide
to lie on grass
away from light

or darkness. Only us.
You offer me another rock song.

I wipe the sweat from your forehead
with my lips, breathe out

countless ways to love you,
as many as the freckles
on your body
over and over again.


--

Divina,

There's nothing really unpleasant about this poem, but there are a lot of very commonplace phrases used like, make love, blue moon, on the grass, serenade, and so on.
It's almost like a cut and paste from a few song lyrics and lacks the individuality which might show that you've taken an approach using material, expressed in a way which has your stamp upon it. As much I admire a decent pair of pins reaching skywards, it's a bit obvious and doesn't really seem to have the same leaning towards the sensual aspects of love which I think your'e aiming for. Does the moon have skin? It also tells a bit too much, rather than using the images to spark an image in the readers mind.

I'm sure some would read this and think it a hot topic, it might be if you feel like working on it and getting the balance between telling and showing, judge the sensuality better and banish the clichés.

To reiterate, it is not a bad piece if you are happy with treading old ground ect, feel free to disregard as you wish.

all the best

Danté

Hello, Danté

Thanks for reading and for your critique. I do appreciate a lot. I'd like to address a few of your points, although by no means am I aiming at defending the poem in any way. I actually agree with your comment. Allow me to tell you a bit about the genesis of this poem. I was reading some old stuff I wrote long ago and I came across one dedicated to my teenage flame. Believe me, that poem was really bad. So I decided to rewrite and colour it and imagine how things could have been but actually were not as I describe them here. There is rock music in the background and that music refers to the present in certain ways - how I'm feeling now listening to some hard rock songs etc. The moon does not have a skin, but personally I like that line, so it's the only one I'm going to defend. The countless ways to love is a reference to Elizabeth B. Browning's How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Initially I started the poem with this strophe ...

The first time I saw you:
this is the beginning of my first love
poem. I didn’t know what to say.

I took it out because I thought it was too telly. Maybe I'm thinking I should put it back in. It won't make the poem any better, but it may none the less clarify a few things.


Thanks again for going through it.


Nice to meet you,

Maria

Nice to meet you too.

I'm glad the critique came across in the spirit it was meant. Everyone is their own editor here and the opinions are just that, I hope you find your posting here enjoyable.

all the best

Danté

Hi

I like some of the combinations you used in the poem. Pharaoh and sernade, I wouldn't have thought of that.

The first two lines seem to rely on the title and that made me think about the meaning of what you said.
It seems like a nice poem with a good ending, I liked it.

thankyou

Jjaz

I actually really liked this, Divinia, even if some of it is a bit cliched/tired. But then is anything really original under the sun? Hasn't it all been done before to some extent?

I loved this phrase:

You are my pharaoh serenading
rock songs under blue moons.

Perhaps remove the 'blue' and change it for another adjective and you get something even better?

I'm not a prude, but I thought her legs spread open part should have been more subtle, for art's sake, not for Mary Whitehouse's!

I haven't read the thread, only the poem itself, but I'd say that if ever a post was a mix of the inspired and the insipid, this is it!

You begin by gripping the reader with a superbly engaging, MacNeice-esque couplet, only to collapse immediately into tired romanticism of the most obvious kind. Then, just as we're losing interest, you hit us with an image of almost ferocious brilliance (the moon's skin our pillow - terrific!). The rest follows a similar pattern.

The rhythm's good throughout, and I'd say it's a piece that promises much for the future.

Cheers
peter

Thanks a lot, Danté.

Hi, Jjaz. I am gateful for your reply. It's one of those lines that pops into your head and then sort of never leaves it. I mean, it was inspired by a feeling of the moment. I'm really glad you liked it.

Sophie, it's nice to meet you. Thanks for having a look. It's been awhile I haven't written love poems let's say, so I wanted to have a go once more. I realize it's hard to avoid cliché, but am going to keep at it. It's both fun and frustrating and maybe I'll learn to write a good one sooner or later. I agree about finding a different word for 'blue'. I'll have to think on it, though. Thanks again.

Peter, thanks so much. That, unfortunately, seems to characterize a lot of what I write. Anyway, there is a lot of inspired thoughts in here - if only I could pull it off entirely. I do try to mix the two in my writing - fresh and cliché images - with the hope that by putting the right words in the right places something original may come out. So happy you like parts of this. Thanks for your critique.
Cheers to you.


Maria

Hi Maria. Nice to read you again.

I agree with Peter about that opening couplet, and about "the moon's skin our pillow". Those are definitely the poem's high points, but I don't think the rest of it is as far beneath those as has been suggested. It's only in the first half of S3 that I think a bit of rewriting is definitely required - the "you on top, / my legs spread open ", in particular, doesn't seem to add much to the sense or the effect of that stanza. Maybe a single, more telling line in place of those two would help.

Much to enjoy, though.

Cheers

David

"eyes closed we make love" what?


It moves in you

Hi, David

Thanks for letting me know what works and doesn't for you. It's really nice to read a comment from you.

What I want to convey is a sort of communion with the sky, not just the act of lovemaking, a sort of flying above the ground and embracing the sky. The poem is supposed to be more about love, falling in love than sex, what happens to our minds when we fall in love.

I hope everything's well with you.

I look forward to reading your work again.


Lovely,

You're right ... eyes closed is gone.

I have also changed some of the linebreaks



Thanks to you both for taking the time to read and comment.



Maria