Poetry Forum

Our feet moved over wet grass as
the setting sun slowly slipped behind
cumulus clouds,
obscuring a jet plane, coming in from distant shores
heading towards home.

Where passengers would shake sand from their shoes
and within the week their skin would peel and flake
but the photos would be posted online to prove
they had actually been away.

And on the grass
you pulled me close
whispered something in my ear about the future.

A man strolled past with
his dog pulling on the lead.

He bid us a "good evening"
and tipped his
hat towards the sky

as the evening drew in
daffodils swayed lazily in the
breeze.

I REALLY like this as a whole.

I don't think I would change anything (it's almost perfect to me, ok one can always tweak and tweak and absolutely hone to perfection but really it's great as is) except verse 2 which is not as strong and I definitely would alter now. The latter two lines particularly.

John,

This lacks your usually quirkiness and interesting language. That said, it's always a good idea to spread yourself from time to time.
You're overwriting it in places. Here's a few notes for you to chuck around and ditch as you will:

Our feet moved over wet grass as
the setting sun slowly slipped behind

slipped behind suggests sunset, which are by nature "slow"

cumulus clouds,
obscuring a jet plane, coming in from distant shores

"distant shores" - cliché, not to mention very dull

heading towards home.

stating the obvious?

Where passengers would shake sand from their shoes
and within the week their skin would peel and flake
but the photos would be posted online to prove
they had actually been away.

is this stanza reaching for a metaphor?

And on the grass
you pulled me close
whispered something in my ear about the future.

I do like the camerawork here

A man strolled past with
his dog pulling on the lead.

He bid us a "good evening"
and tipped his
hat towards the sky

These five lines bring us closer to John G territory --- and I like them muchly

as the evening drew in
daffodils swayed lazily in the
breeze.

Think this stanza can go . . .


Just some thoughts.

B.

~

Thanks for the feedback Brian, as always greatly appreciated.

After the swearing debate in my last effort I thought I'd go for something slightly mores straight forward, something more, dare I say middle of the road.

The first line I was trying for some alliteration – and wanted the slipped to kind of go with the idea of wet grass…

However, the clichés, yeah, looking at it again there are some clichés…I will need to re-jig this somewhat..

I think I might just stick to my normal strand of poem!!

John G wrote:After the swearing debate in my last effort I thought I'd go for something slightly mores straight forward, something more, dare I say middle of the road.

For crying out loud, John, no-one was asking you to become the Magic Roundabout, for god's sake. I started the "swearing debate" not (for the UMPTEENTH time) because I was offended, as I'm sure none of us were, but because overuse, or even casual use, of the F-word and its cousins leads (or can lead) to blandness, lack of impact. My objection was for poetic reasons, not social, ethical or moral. Here, you've just traded one sort of blandness for another. Bring back your normal edginess, even if it means swearing (but – as you showed in What I Remembered... – it doesn’t need to, to be good).

Cheers
peter

Hello Peter, I know you weren’t offended by the swearing, it’s just the conversation made me think about trying something different and like when Clive Sinclair dropped the C5, a new direction doesn’t always come off!!

John G wrote:Hello Peter, I know you weren’t offended by the swearing, it’s just the conversation made me think about trying something different and like when Clive Sinclair dropped the C5, a new direction doesn’t always come off!!

Sometimes it just takes time to get used to a new direction and bend it into a route that is still you.

John G wrote:Hello Peter, I know you weren’t offended by the swearing, it’s just the conversation made me think about trying something different and like when Clive Sinclair dropped the C5, a new direction doesn’t always come off!!

You're right, John, of course you are. Apologies for sounding (unintentionally) testy - it had been a bad-hair day.

Cheers
peter

I don't know Stevie Wonder..... "I don't know why" his first number one....

Part of poetry is dealing with the demons the other is finding you

Dave

I like the use of "tech" here, you know you are good poet, I like it.

Would like you to touch me more... a lonely me. Dante, the way you write
is often lovely wish you were here with this soul of yours you...

Dave