And if (revised)

[Danté]

And if

You fall apart like shonky toys
made in Hong Kong
bought with my pocket money
while I grew up
and survived my wars intact.

Pressed tin outer skins
held together by tiny metal tongues
fitted into punched out holes
until they could no longer hold
spilling out shiny gears and cogs.

Distressed grass in a corner
of my garden, its frayed blades
resembling the desperation
wrought as napalm raised its head
and sucked expression
from the faces of the trembling.

Let me gather each piece,
align the pins with their slots
then I’ll blow off the dust
in the hope that the key is not lost.







And if (first draft)

You fall apart
like the
shonky toys
I paid for
with pocket money.

They were

made in Hong Kong
while I
grew up
and survived the wear intact.

Pressed tin,
their outer skins
all bowed
releasing gears and cogs.

I can

gather each piece
in the hope
that the key is not lost.


.

[ray miller]

Strange one, Tim, but I enjoyed it. A disconnected poem of sorts that requires rearranging? Though I'm not sure I have the key myself, not entirely understanding the Pressed tin....verse. It's a pleasing effect anyhow.
shonky? Is that a derogatory term or a make of toy?
I keep on reading it as "survived the war intact" and maybe that's better?

[Alfie]

And if

You fall apart
like the >this line is just stuffing - it can't stand alone as there's nothing in it. Try to create lines that have a meaning of their own when read, as well as a meaning in the stanza. Enjambment should flow; reading through this makes for clunky pauses where there aught not to be.
shonky toys >I like this idea, but I'm not really seeing it. I have no idea what 'shonky' means but it's a brilliant-sounding word that flows very well. Elaborate the image though - how do they fall apart? Don't tell us, show us.
I paid for <some poet once told me that ending on connectives and 'little words' like 'to', 'it', 'of', etc, leaves lines hanging instead of allowing them to flow/enjamb. Maybe reshuffle these lines or expand on the pocket money image - what are memories here? Can this connect to the breaking toys?
with pocket money.

They were <another hanging line.

made in Hong Kong <Hong Kong. Beautiful place, I'm told, but I can't see it. Try and expand this -- I get that this is where the toys are made, but be creative with it, show us the assembly illuminated in lights and smells and noise. Senses are the key.
while I
grew up <'grew' would work better on the previous line, and up isn't overly needed.
and survived the wear intact. <what kind of wear? Maybe connect it to Hong Kong? The busy lifestyle, and your childhood, the romp to the shops with pocket money in your fingers. Create a picture and paint it, don't tell us what it should look like.

Pressed tin,
their outer skins
all bowed
releasing gears and cogs. <ooh, now this is more of an image, but I'm not exactly sure what it's showing me. Try and expand it, pick at the details of what you want to show, the image you're sketching. Cogs - wind-up toys? Don't be afraid to experiment.

I can <hanging line again.

gather each piece
in the hope
that the key is not lost. <cute ending, but it could still be expanded. 'Hope' is one of those vague 'poetic' words that doesn't actually show the reader anything, but here you can expand on this idea. Your metaphor is interesting but this 'You' at the beginning of your poem seems to be lost in the the toy-stuff. The ending should tie this metaphor up and bring it back to the 'You' you were comparing the toys to in the first place. Who are they? Keys can work well for you there - 'keys to love' is a cliche, but workable if you dress it right. Have a go at playing around with the imagery, experiment.

.

Overall, this was cute and intriguing, with a lot of potential. Some aspects could do with expanding, as I've said above. Gramatically, you're fine. Your main problem is imagery. Do you read your work aloud? If not, try reading your poetry aloud - this will help you hear where lines hang, or fall flat, where things just don't 'work', clunkiness, as well as for typos and mistakes you might just skim over while reading in your head. It will also help you see what your reader is seeing rather than what you want them to see - try imagining what you write, the images, metaphors, just from your words alone, is there more you wanted people to see? The senses are a brilliant tool for connecting with your reader - play with sounds and visual images, and even the others, too, if you want to. But have fun with it, and keep writing!

For form, read this poem by Robin Robertson: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarch ... oemId=7612
He writes this poem in a similar way with short lines - look at how the lines end, and flow into each other. And his imagery is interesting, too, playing on the senses and cliches, etc. I reccomend his poetry to you - you can find it on the internet as well as buy his books, and there's also videos on youtube of him reading his work aloud which are interesting.

[Danté]

Thanks Ray, I'll take another look at this when I get back from work.

"shonky" of very poor quality, ropey, naff, cheap and cheerful. The pressed tin exteriors which held the guts in, used to bow out allowing the innards to fall out.

Thanks for the input ray, all the best.

Alfie,

Yes keys to love is cliché, which is why the key I'm talking about is to wind up and animate the toys, which is also a bit cliché but as you say, application can make all the difference.
I notice your interpretation and questioning of the poem occupies a fair bit of space and much of it shares similarities with my intent.

In fact your very informative reply just about covers any aspect of writing free verse I am likely to ever come across. I appreciate your taking the time to pass on so much information, I do read every poem aloud and see your point about lines hanging which was my actual intent as the two lines which hang in the poem are used in that way because one is active and the other is passive. I think there are a number of ways to view, interpret and explore how its delivery is best negotiated. I'm always receptive towards trying different approaches with any poem, including an expansion of a work if the basic concept seems to work.

My idea with the way this is almost skeletal was for it to unlock a readers own data base of what seems relevant to the prompts I've used in the poem, the things which stirred in your mind occupy far more space than my poem so it has worked in at least one instance. I'll post an alternative version of this which takes on board some of what you've offered and see how it is received, I have a little experience in working with metaphors extended or otherwise and can probably grapple an image or two if I put my mind to it.
I did wonder how the subtle rhyming might effect the poem, but as no one has mentioned it I'll assume they are not leaping out for the wrong reasons.

Thanks for taking the time to give such an in depth critique.

all the best

Danté

[Divina]

Hello, Danté


I read this poem yesterday and today on a second read I feel differently about it. I'm not quite sure what you're going for but I can say I definitely do like it.

Let's see ...

I'm assuming that the title should be read in connection to the first line ... and if you fall apart. The word 'and' implies that you are in the middle of a conversation, so there would be a reason for this falling apart. What I'm not sure of is who the you pronoun refers to. Reading on I learn that if the you falls apart the speaker is willing to gather each piece. The final strophe seems to tread water. The words 'piece', 'hope' and 'lost' aren't working well together - too many abstractions for such a short strophe. I'd totally rewrite it. Also try removing the punctuation so as to allow the reader to find his/her way through the poem, and how about getting rid of 'they are' and moving 'made in Hong Kong' up to S1, after or on the same line as 'shonky toys. Just a few suggestions.

Maria

[Danté]

Thanks Divina, much appreciated and reflected upon.

I get the feeling I'm gonna end up with a few versions of this until the best stuff can be spliced into something approaching a final draft.

I've had a bit of a tinker with it to explore some of what each critter has offered as input, so will now post an alternative draft.

Many thanks

Danté

[arunansu]

Beautiful stuff, Tim. I find S1 and S2 to be super, especially the line "survived my wars intact". I do like your earlier version, as you know I'm a bit inclined towards shorter forms. In fact, once again, I found it reading similar to ZUihitsu, though the irony being that I've never been able to write a Zuihitsu myself. Ha!

After reading your revised version, I yearned for a stronger close, though I must admit I won't say its weak or what could be a better alternative. And I did enjoy the read, as always. Smiles.

[Lovely]

Ripped it off here. Nice this you come back to Bach Dante. You do so well when you
improve your work. For me the shuttters were down in first lines here.


You touch in my face buy me, l....u .

All the you and more Dante

[Divina]

Danté

How about

I will gather each piece,
align the pins with their slots
then blow off the dust
in the hope that the key is not lost.

instead of ...

Let me gather each piece,
align the pins with their slots
then I’ll blow off the dust
in the hope that the key is not lost.



I'm still thinking the closing line could be even stronger, but haven't got any ideas for you.

Also, maybe you could tighten the first two lines to ...

the Hong Kong shonky toys

Love the revision. Thanks.


Maria

[brianedwards]

Ooh . . I fear you're reaching now Tim.
I preferred the first draft: not perfect, but had a certain innocent charm that seems lost in the revision.



B.

[Lake]

Hi Danté,

The title reads like a run-on title to me : "And if /you fall..."

I think I prefer your skeletal to your full fledged version.

Enjoyed

Lake

[Danté]

Thanks Aru, much appreciated I'll add your thoughts to the mix.

Thanks Dave, I'm trying to find a way forward with the tighter version so might strip it back and go again.

Maria, thanks for your reply, I'll ponder the ideas you've offered, much appreciated.

Brian, confession time, I get to a point sometimes when I have a little time on my hands and try versions which employ the ideas I've been offered regardless of my own preference just so I can see how it works using someone else's approach. The first version can be better and there are possibly a couple of slivers from the second draft which might be useful. It wasn't intended to be a pantomime so I'm glad that a balance is evolving through the replies which shows the strength of both approaches and the weaknesses.

Thanks Lake, I think I'll be redrafting again using that original sparseness, I'll save the 3D nicam dolby pro LCD with back light for a HD ready rendering.

all the best

Tim