The Kiss

[sophiemerlo]

This is a one-off poem I wrote about 7 years ago. I remembered I'd done it and rummaged around and finally found it today at the back of a cupboard, and thought I'd post it here for review. This is the only poem coming from me over the space of many years and I didn't write anything 'poetic' again until very recently when my music gave me an impetus to begin lyric writing. (I don't know what specifically triggered me to write this back then, although hindsight shows this was 'prophetic' about my relationship - at the time I wasn't conscious I was even writing about me!)

[Danté]

Sophie,

It's not an easy piece to reply to, because on the one hand I think it's great that you feel happy to post content which you yourself have linked to aspects of your own life, while on the other hand, the wording comes across as a bit Mills and Boon or perhaps one of those short stories written for a magazine.

Taking it at face value, there are a few grammatical anomalies or oddness of phrasing like "Brushing against her lips parted expectantly" and "Deep called to deep and met" and overall the poem is reliant on the reader to decide upon the construction of the phrasing because some lines simply wouldn't read correctly if you wrote the verses out as continuous long lines. The default MS Word capitalisation approach at the start of each line seems in some places to aid a reader in deciding how to separate some clauses, but it's not working with any consistency like the punctuation free approach that some writers employ in their poetry writing.

I totally take on board what you've said about it being written a while back, it would be a useful piece in respect of seeing how the years which have elapsed since you initially wrote it might have given you additional scope in respect of handling the intimacy described in the poem. The old cliché which suggests that the greatest impact is achieved when one knows how to keep just on the shy side of showing, could be applied here so that imagination can drive anticipation into a frenzy.

The tonality of the piece is pleasant enough, so I think you have a lot to work with here which are strengths of the poem which you might want to build upon.

regards

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

Dante:

Thanks for the feedback: Barbara Cartland/Take a Break magazine eat your heart out! Seriously, some people may take what you said as a big compliment!

I deliberately did this poem without punctuation as the lines run onto each other and can be read in more than one way depending where you start reading a phrase from. The poem also has a dual meaning: a romantic side on the surface, and a darker side, much more subtle underneath. Perhaps the form doesn't work as well as I'd hoped, and perhaps the darker side is not seen or is not subtle enough, but this was what I was aiming to get across. I'm not at all familiar with the punctuation free approach of other writers, it was just something I felt 'inspired' to do on this one. However, inspiration can always be kicked to the kerb if it doesn't work! I'm not one of these people who are immoveable because they were 'divinely' led, so that's it set in stone!

The tonality of the piece is pleasant enough, so I think you have a lot to work with here which are strengths of the poem which you might want to build upon.

Sorry, what do you mean by the tonality of the poem - the general flow or feel? Or?

And am I right in thinking you'd suggest if I were to rework this after all these years, punctuating this in a more traditional form and be a bit less obvious (MIlls and Boon) in language?

I know this is an old poem of mine, and it's probably not like I'd write it today, but even on viewing it with "new eyes" after having slept a long time on it, I still like it. This is not to say I suggest I have it all right, so I do appreciate your feedback and constructive criticism. I am honestly surprised though that you found "Brushing against her lips parted expectantly" and "Deep called to deep and met" odd. I don't get what you don't like or get about either of these phrases? I'm not trying to justify them, merely understand what you're seeing that I don't?

[Danté]

The tonality, as in how the author's voice comes across, by way of word choice, feel if you like.

"Brushing against her lips parted expectantly" I think my perceived oddness with this is because the construction seems as though a pronoun ought to come after lips.

That's just my take anyways

"Deep called to deep and met"

Deep is pretty ambiguous here and gives the impression of an indefinite article. Mm just trying to articulate this better lol. Ok, what is the deep you are using in that line? If it calls, then is it animate or a personification of an adjective which is more likely to be used as a modifier? I'll pop out and visit deep, I'll call deep and see if he fancies a beer? I'll have pound of your finest deep and a bunch of asparagus.

The deep, gives a little more to grasp at but usually refers to the depths of a body of some kind, or are we talking hidden depths?

That's what I see, others might see something else.

all the best

Danté

[Lovely]

I think Dante says it for me. You have that deep feeling about you and it's good

A poet whithout passion is not a poet you touch here....... with passion.


Open out your eyes there's much to know in you in truth. Don't delay
your destiny .'sunshine of your love . I've been waiting so long' ..so me.

[sophiemerlo]

Dante

Thanks for the feedback. I understand where you're coming from now.

'Deep called to deep' is a direct quote from the Psalms I assumed readers would either be vaguely familiar enough with to recognise and connect with, or would understand the language/symbology anyway even if they were unaware of the Psalm. In the Biblical context, it's talking about someone's heart reaching out to God's heart in a time of personal turbulence. I am using these few words I borrowed in a secular context, to describe a meeting of heart and soul: a deep emotional/mental connection between a man and a woman.

[sophiemerlo]

Thank you Lovely.

[nar]

Hey, Sophie.

Nice to read you. I tend to crit in a good/bad/good style, so here we go;

There's passion here. It's clearly painted. It's real to (I suspect) you. However...

What makes it real to me? I see N (you) feeling it all, but I'm not feeling it with you. I've not read M&B, but I suspect Tim is right. Soz, but there are also a few clichés in here. Personally, I find it hard to use adverbs. You've used plenty here, and I suspect that is for the sonics they can provide.

My fave lines:

"Non entity became
Overwhelmed
Fragmented
Yet part of a whole"

Thanks,

- Neil

[sophiemerlo]

Neil, thanks for the comments, which are helpful.

But just to explain ... I didn't really want or expect for my readers to feel it with me, it was meant to be more like someone looking on somewhat impartially from a distance. I understand what you mean about the reader wanting to feel/have it be real for them, but can't they just be voyeurs sometimes? Is it a bad thing to write poetry from this distanced standpoint?

Point taken about there being a few cliches, but in defence of cliches, clichés work very well sometimes, especially in something that is not aiming to be pretentious or cutting edge etc. in the first place?

Adverbs do provide nice sonics and yeah I'm sure that's probably the reason I chose them! Do you think I should cut them down for the sake of grammar/prose over sonics? Perhaps it's my musical ear which is far more active because of my being immersed so much in music, but can poems with sonics favoured over prose work just as well in the world?