Poetry Forum

Did I ever tell you that you get your
looks from your mother?
Strong DNA they say.
And from me?

From me you get your surname.
And your small ears.
it's a fact, that’s all I'm saying.
A fact.
Them ears go way back.

Do you remember times by the beach?
Pacific winds blowing
tingling sunburn on that morning
all the waves forming

and you could tell that the man
at the adjacent table was American
from the way he ate his fish with only a fork
fresh mango juice on his left.

His glasses on scratched lens,
left arm bends back to far
the glasses slope on that side
but on the right the arm leaves a touchline
imprint just above his ear.

Interesting title ha, and an even more interesting poem.

Before I start looking into this too much, was this just a reminiscing type of poem, or was there more to it? Reading the second stanza I felt the small ears were a metaphor for a close-minded individual, but the rest of the poem doesn't follow that, so I wonder...

Second stanza, third line, it should be "it's a fact".

Cheers

The title is the name of the unoffical natioanl fish of Hawaii - the poem is sort of based on some time I spent over there, however the conversation part at the beginning is a conversation I had with my son - the small ears refer to small ears (I have them and I seem to have passed these on) -

its just meant as a tiny little snapshot of a little piece of time I remember.

Thnaks for reading

Hi, John.

Nice little picture here.

Them ears go way back

feels like to should mean more than it does for some reason!

I'm torn about the final stanza. It's either way over-descriptive, or just right. (oh - you need another o in "to far"). The image is very clear, but for some reason the process of it forming takes longer than it might.

Nice read though.

Cheers,

- Neil.

Great title John and I really like the first two stanzas, there's such a relaxed easiness to the language. 'Them ears go way back' is a great line.

I'm having trouble with the rest of it though, the two parts just don't seem to fit together, the last two stanzas all seem to go a bit Sherlock Holmes to me.

I'd like to see the first two stanzas extended, I think there's some really good stuff there.

Hi, John

I like the conversational tone of this poem.

In the final stanza:
I think "glasses on" needs a comma after it.
Also "too far".

Nice one
Geoff

Nice snapshot. Enjoyed your holidaying in memory. Smiles.

to far = too far?

Last stanza is, frankly, badly written John. I've no doubts you can do way better with that material.

First stanza could go at no loss.
Third doesn't fair much better . . .

Title is too good for the poem maybe? Works really well when you get near the inside of this father-son relationship, but too much of it feels generic?

Enjoyed but . . .

B.

Hi John,

I think I'd agree with the others re the last two stanzas, I'm not sure where the poem leads the reader. The first three stanzas read very well to me, what the child gets from his mom in the first, from his dad in the second and the scene on the beach in the third. I like the light, conversational tone, too.

Cheers,

Lake

Once agian one and all, thnaks for the time and the feedback.

Once again I appear to have produced poem of two aparts!

General concensus seems to be that the first part is fine so would the poem work if I just scaled it back and tinkered with that part?

Glad you all seem to like the title at least

I do wonder if you've spelt the title correctly, John, 'cos you have got previous form , you know.It's a fact, that's all I'm saying. A fact.
Good ears.

PC Ray, bang to rights - I do have previous!

John G wrote: General concensus seems to be that the first part is fine so would the poem work if I just scaled it back and tinkered with that part?

Err . . . just to clarify . . . I suggested you kill the 1st stanza . . .

consensus


B.

brianedwards wrote:

John G wrote: General concensus seems to be that the first part is fine so would the poem work if I just scaled it back and tinkered with that part?

Err . . . just to clarify . . . I suggested you kill the 1st stanza . . .

consensus


B.

I think the Strong DNA needs to stay at very least. Perhaps fudge it in elsewhere.

- Neil.

Would be interested to hear why you think it's important to the poem Neil ...

Would be interested to hear why you think it's important to the poem Neil ...

It's just the sort of thing my father might come up with. Deep and meaningless wisdom. To me, it adds some context to the tone of the rest.

- Neil