Hidden in an attic's trade
among the breath of lavendar hugs
I came across two shades of you.
The chestnut mantelpiece and
music box awoke memories.
The gaze was calm
much like the frosty forest green
that you wore.
Your gaze hardened one day, like a gem.
And I never truly knew why, for
the forest never reaped a diamond before.
It did though, and another explorer came a-calling.
The same sunlight glints now on that
age old music box, and I still remember
the two shades of you.
Shades of you
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 129
- Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:11 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Australia
The gaze was calm
much like the frosty forest green
that you wore
-Ah, memories! Thanks for such a dreamy write, Cadence. I can see the two shades of chestnut and forest. Loved the calmness in the poem. Smiles.
much like the frosty forest green
that you wore
-Ah, memories! Thanks for such a dreamy write, Cadence. I can see the two shades of chestnut and forest. Loved the calmness in the poem. Smiles.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Hello Cryptic Cadence. First verse I liked, though attic's trade is unusual(but nice) and it is lavender. "awoke memories" is a bit "used" and probably you can do without it.
I wondered about The gaze was calm. Whose gaze or what gaze?
never reaped....before. reaped sounds wrong but it's probably right!
I like the explorer idea but the ending is not good to be perfectly honest.
I wondered about The gaze was calm. Whose gaze or what gaze?
never reaped....before. reaped sounds wrong but it's probably right!
I like the explorer idea but the ending is not good to be perfectly honest.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
This was a pleasant read and my comments are mostly just nitpicks. The imagery is interesting and creates a subtle and warm feeling while reading, and I agree with Arunansu that it's rather dreamy. It has good control from what I can tell, and the connections are well made throughout, too. It's one of my favourite pieces that I've read on this site so far. ^^Cryptic Cadence wrote:Hidden in an attic's trade
among the breath of lavendar hugs
I came across two shades of you. > Lovely start with good rhythm and an intriguing image. I love the idea of 'lavender hugs', but lavender has more of an oldy-woldy connotation, I think, and this may not be the idea you wnat to portray here? I dunno if another flower would work here, but changing this is up to you. Lavender products are generally aimed at older women, but if it's relevant about the age and the attics and stuff, then it fits fine. Just depends on the angle you wnat here.
The chestnut mantelpiece and
music box awoke memories. >this feels unfinshed, to me - memories of what? The rest of this poem shows images of them, but this bit feels isolated which emphasises the 'unfinishedness' of this verse.
The gaze was calm >this makes me wonder if the gaze belongs to someone or something, though the metaphor suggests the 'you' in this poem rather than the objects you've been talking about. Not sure. Maybe change to 'your' or something, if that's right? It's just a bit confusing, but that could just be me.
much like the frosty forest green > This is pretty, but it sounds a bit clunky with the alliteration of the 'f--' sound.
that you wore.
Your gaze hardened one day, like a gem.
And I never truly knew why, for
the forest 'had'? never reaped a diamond before.
It did though, and another explorer came a-calling. >That bit sounds rather jarred, and I stumbled over it when I read it aloud. Maybe swap the 'though' to the start of the line?
The same sunlight glints now on that
age old music box, and I still remember
the two shades of you.