Afterlife

[chicory]

abc123

[brianedwards]

Hi chicory,

Although I do like the idea of the dead having the best views (an idea I feel certain I have come across before --- and that's a compliment!) I find the conceit a little tired and the execution leaden. The figurative language of the first two stanzas has no spark, and though I often have no problem with contrivance in poetry, the idea is too contrived, for this reader. Your use of modifiers obfuscates more than it elucidates. Probably not your style at all, but you probably have material here for a more direct approach, or at least a metaphor that is a little less overbearing.
All in all I think this is below the standard we expect on this board, but I will wait to hear from others before moving.

Regards.

B.

[chicory]

Brian. Thanx for the warm welcome. If you can post a note here I will be glad to delete my entire profile if this is the response one rec's.

Is this my best or worst - NO. But I selected this one due to the name of this forum. It was written at a workshop while I did my daily walk to the cemetery before breakfast. It has been workshopped 3 live & two cyber .

Concieted ?? Perhaps you are full of ENVY???

And when you start using those big words. I am so impressed
With YOUR social skills & ability to critique

Bitter is better
Chicory

[delph_ambi]

Ouch! Err... Tell you what, chicory, if you don't like my critique, just write 'thank you for commenting' or something, and I'll get the message.

Here goes.

I think this needs some punctuation: something like a colon after the first lines of the first two stanzas so that the reader isn't wrong-footed into attempting to read them as run on lines.

'forbidden-fragile' and 'forgotten-forsaken' definitely need hyphens, not dashes, in order to make sense.

'my father working graveyard' requires re-reading to make sense. Presumably you're using shorthand for 'my father working the graveyard shift' but it could also be 'my father working in a graveyard'. I find it odd and illogical that the birth stanza contains information about the father rather than the mother.

In the last stanza, if you're going to capitalise the starts of sentences, you really need a full stop after 'necropolis'.

I'm not sure about the 'posing'. The last sentence is good, but sounds like it belongs to a different poem as it's far more natural in its phraseology than the earlier material.

There are some good ideas in this poem, but the execution is abrupt and not as elegant as it needs to be given the form you've chosen. I think it would be worth considering a re-write that decides precisely what it's trying to say about the character's condition and that pays more attention to making the form work for the subject matter, rather than forcing the subject matter to fit into the form.

[Arian]

Like Brian, I think the end is good. In my case, I think it's very good indeed. Definitely a poetic idea, poetically expressed. But I also think that the execution of the main body of the piece is too fractured; too rhythmically at odds with the ending to make a coherent work. Possibly, as DA says, it's a simple matter of punctuation and the occasional strange construction.

Interesting, though.
All the best
peter

[chicory]

DA & Arian. Thanx for the feedback. I rarely - if ever use punctuation in a poem.
I use dashes & spaces. As I always say.. Grammar & punctuation are for the insecure !! Grin. I conceded & added the question mark at the end.
I like the lack of punctuation for the run on sentences I use at time to give double meaning to a line - if you read on or stop

[Sharra]

Er Chicory - maybe you should look up the definition of a conceit in the context of poetry - it does not mean you are conceited...

[Arian]

Er Chicory - maybe you should look up the definition of a conceit in the context of poetry - it does not mean you are conceited...

I shouldhave read the thread before commenting - Sharra's right, I think you've missed the point.

[brianedwards]

I'm moving this to beginner's. The reason is as much to do with your response as it is to the quality of the poem.

The labels of our 2 main critique boards are perhps a little misleading and for that I apologise. "Experienced" refers, to some extent, to the author's poetic depth and ability to handle and engage with critique. Your response suggests to me you are looking more for praise and light comments than the rigorous kind of readings some of us prefer to give and receive on this board. Your confusion over the word "conceit" also suggests, to me, a lack of understanding of basic poetic terms.

I'll be happy to read more of your work if you feel you have been misunderstood.
Regards,

B.

[brianedwards]

Oh. Just moved this before noticing the poem had been deleted.
That's a shame Chicory. We are not a particularly strict or stuck-up bunch here, but we are in something of a transitional stage in terms of the way areas of the site are defined. I hope you reconsider.

B.

[John G]

I was looking forward to reading this to see what the commotion was all about but it appears to have been removed.

Strange thing to do really, given that giving and receiving feedback (both good and bad) is this sites reason d'etre.

Ho hum, I guess its always easier to take your ball home with you if things don’t go your way.

Shame