Poetry Forum

Skip the best-man lingo,
give it me straight
no chaser.

Did you kiss her?
lie me a never.

Did you fuck her?
sigh me whatever.

Qué la amas?
eye me forever.

Ella te ama?
cry me forgive her.




- Neil

Dear nar

This poem in the native hours on the bad manners

The fuel to power true poetry

It reminded me sitting on a sand bar waiting for the incoming tide of bad-manners( beers)

While girls rub suntan lotion my back,

I really liked it ((((((((( bold)))))))))))

(((((((((Vivid)))))))) ((((((((((original))))))))) (((((((strength)))))))))))

Hi Neil,

Your poems are so exciting these days I find that I get a little excited to see what they will be about.
I am so bad at the crit side of things so I can't say much about them though! I can say I enjoyed it. I like the colorful language. I enjoyed the short lines but could like the slightly longer too!

I liked "lie me a never". I probably shouldn't but I did! Keep them coming, Neil.

You have an audience.
Suzanne

Quite simplistic, almost naively so. I liked the first line- the almost intentional abuse of syntax worked very well, and your enjambment made it flow very well. I didn't mind the second couplet but the third seemed very redundant and dull. You have to forgive me, but I am not sure what language you used with the first line of the next two couplets (french?)
But the follow-up line of both stanzas, was, again dull. It didn't shed any additional light about the poem- and that disappointed me.

This is really good, Neil. Variations on Cry Me A River? You cover a lot of ground in a few words. Nice one.

Cheers

David

Thanks, everyone.

Gavin: sand-bar, suntan lotion: lol .

Suz: thanks, not sure about longer lines, but worth a thought.

Mulbery: the foreign is spanish, as is the title. Sorry it didn't work so well for you. Hope some of my others might.

David: yes, variations of "Cry Me A River" - it started off as word play, and only made it a little further than that .

Cheers again for the time on this wee one.

- Neil

I think it was the first line that caught me. I want to say it to someone. I probably won't get the chance, eh? I might just throw it out at one of my kids... oh, they'd laugh and laugh. I'll let you know how it goes. Suzanne