Poetry Forum

Tongues of fire, spiteless
should I choose to chase it,
backslide and grow old
towards the perpetual origin
regardless. Make what you will
I wish to disappear, in the astral
to bleed, caress and deform.
Outside, where the laughing gas
lines up, I fear the joy
of the visions on the city
with morbid divisions, stainless
where the children play, the fire rolled
and burned them alive.
Hurry, step like me, search aimlessly;
appease your healing.

Hi.
Good to see you post.
The title is very clear and I can feel the pain behind the words.
There is a lot of anger as well. As far as content goes, you have a lot to say.

I apologize for being in a bit a hurry but I was wondering if you read your poems aloud to help you find your line breaks? I ask because how it is laid out is how it is read. I found that I would have done the break differently and wondered if heard yourself read it. This is my opinion. I will be back after you crit other posted poems. Remember two crits, one poem.

Suzanne

I love his one a lot. Love the phrase "tongues of fire". I'm a bit thick on the "laughing gas" part. Pardon me. Overall, I enjoyed the flow of passion. Thanks for sharing.

Mulberry, there’s a lot of feeling going on behind these lines.
There’s some great bits in here. I love the word ‘spiteless’ and I especially liked the line ‘Outside, where the laughing gas / lines up’.

My main suggestion would be to cut it back just a little, as sometimes less is more.
For example ‘astral’ is a bit abstract and when you’re talking about abstract things like hurt, its often better to be more concrete. I would suggest cutting it to
‘I wish to disappear, to bleed,
caress and deform.’

Unlike Suzanne, I didn’t have a problem with your line breaks, it looks like you have used them to emphasis words rather than rhythm. With that in mind I would be tempted to put the line break after fire rather than rolled though.
Sharra

Excellent point, Sharra, I see that now. Mulbery, this certainly is a powerful write, the hurt and anger have lingered in my mind. I have seen this sort of thing happen. The laughing gas lines were a good image. Thanks, Suzanne