Painting by numbers

[nar]

green threes and blue fives
on her synesthesic landscape
she calculates rainbows
counts grass
infinitely divides
daffodil by snowdrop
reckoning nature
is a sum of parts


- Neil.

[lo-lee-ta]

This is lovely

I especially like

'on her synesthesic landscape
she calculates rainbows'

Very well done! x

[lo-lee-ta]

I like the idea of the existence of numeral logic in nature. Like in the film Pi

[Mr Black]

removed

[Nash]

Nice one Neil, love it.

I've been reading and re-reading to try and find something to criticise, I give up! Perfect as it is.

[nar]

Thanks, dudes.

lo-lee-ta: the numeric logic in nature isn't where this poem started, but I'm glad it landed there for you

Mr Black: again, I wasn't going for a Japanese style, but if that's what you got, I'm delighted

Nash: high praise, given your recent accolades

FWIW, it's about my wife's grapheme (colour synesthesia).

Cheers,

- Neil.

[Lake]

It is very nice, Neil. On the first read, there was a little girl working on her colouring book in my mind, then I thought she was not that sophisticated yet. Your reply gave the answer.

Lovely,

Lake

[nar]

Thank you, Lake.

I'm glad you enjoyed.

- Neil

[David]

Good one, Neil. I don't think I've read a poem about this before. Like the use of "reckoning" especially.

Cheers

David

[nar]

Thanks, David.

^_^

- Neil

[calico]

I agree with the others, it's lovely. Not a word more than necessary, very good.
Your avatar on the hand is so...nasty. I don't like the way he looms like that. Sometimes he puts me off reading your work I have to put my hand over that part of the screen. So sensitive you see.

[nar]

Ha!

Thanks, Megan. I'm glad you enjoyed.

The avatar: it's mean to be "we come in peace"

I'll have a look at changing it - don't want him scaring anyone off.

Cheers,

- Neil.

[calico]

We come in peace! Oh that's ok. I thought he wanted to rip my face off.

[arunansu]

Blown away by the beauty of the piece. I didn't knew much about 'colour synthesia'. Read from the Net. Brilliant write.

[David]

We come in peace! Oh that's ok. I thought he wanted to rip my face off.

His name is Gort, Megan. There's no limit to what he can do. He could destroy the earth... If anything should happen to me you must go to Gort, you must say these words, "Klaatu barada nikto", please repeat that.

[calico]

Argh. Ok, have committed that to memory. He says Gort is actually spelled Ghorteigne. Prince Ghorteigne.

[Elphin]

Neil

I haven't been around much recently so what a pleasure to come back to this and to Lakes yin and yang. Two crackers. Neither would be out of place in Experienced.

Only crit would be whether rhythmically Greens are threes and blues are fives might sound better.

Very clever use of reckoning. Original topic well handled. Another one worthy of feature.

Elph

[nar]

Thanks, Elph.

I see what you mean about the rhythm, but I might then lose the "green trees and blue skies" rhyming pun. :/

I'm glad "reckoning" worked for you and David. It was hand-picked for the job.

Cheers,

- Neil.

[Meesha]

Hi N

the more I read this piece, the more in love I find myself with it. And though I agree with many comments here, I personally think only two things could possibly better it.

a) synesthesic... while being a fine word choice, it's cumbersome to tongue and of ear. Perhaps redolent might better suit?

hold that thought!

b) It screams to be a form. Japanese of course.

Choka

The most intricate Japanese Poetry form is the Choka, or Long Poem.
The early form consisted of a series of Katuata joined together. This gives a choice of form structures of ..... 5 - 7 - 7 - 5 - 7 - 7.. etc, or .. 5 - 7 - 5 - 5 - 7 - 5.. etc. In the poem below Teagan uses three 19 onji Katuata for his Choka.

The Moth

there is no freedom
escaping from my cocoon
I must seek you once again
I am drawn to you
like a moth to a candle
circling nearer and nearer
the deadly flame calls
now my wings are scorched
why must my nature be so?

Teagan


Later the form introduced the Japanese equivalent of a couplet consisting of 12 onji or sound units, pausing after the fifth unit, giving it a structured sequence of multiples of, 5 - 7 onji and still with a finishing sequence using the Katuata of, 5 - 7 - 7 (19) onji, or 5 - 7 - 5 (17) onji.

Toybox

storm passes overhead
thunder rolls, lightning flashes
Christopher feels fear
comforting his loved ones.
Tigger, Owl and Pooh,
creating nearness within them.
strange creatures bonded closer.


In Toybox above the Katuata is 5 - 7 - 7, and below in Thunderstorm a Katuata of 5 - 7 - 5, has been chosen instead.

Thunderstorm

thunderstorm inside
lightning crashes and flashes
no peaceful moments
silent sobbing tears flowing
there is no peace here
loud noises of breaking heart
waiting for phone call.


The Choka could be any total line length and indeed many exceeded 100 lines.
Looking at this, it is easy to see why Poetic Historians believe the Katuata is the original basic unit of Japanese poetry using either the 17 or 19 unit onji.

Your entry already has 5 sylls. Using redolent rather than synesthesic gives you seven in L2

Just thoughts.

M

Later note:

upon/across her litmus landscape

[Divina]

I love the idea of 'counting grass'. It conjures up the image of both
sheer cheerfulness, and at the same time of the passing of time.
I also question the use of 'synesthesic'. I prefer the simplicity
of 'on her landscape'. But that's me. Maybe you could ditch 'infinitely'
too and move daffodils up to the line above - I like the alliteration 'divides daffodils'.


Best
Maria

[Nino]

Hello Neil

I quite like this, it's short, simple and clean.
I assume that N is painting the picture of nature and the fact that she is counting everything in her picture makes me think she has a kind of ocd, which makes this piece more interesting for me. But I doubt that was your goal so would you consider taking this piece to that direction? In my opinion it would turn this poem into something more then description of nature and give it an edge.
I know, I know you want to say that universe is constructed mathematically, but just the.fact that someone would take time to count grass makes me think of ocd.
Good job
Nino

[David]

Neil, something I was struck by, but didn't mention before, is that this poem screams Whitman. Is that intentional? (I think it's a good thing to scream, in case you're wondering.) Maybe it's just the mention of grass, but I don't think so: "reckoning nature / is a sum of parts" is very very Walt. And very very good.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Hi Neil,

Of course you need synesthesia. Rather misses the point otherwise! Very good, and nothing to change imo.

Ros

[nar]

Thanks everyone.

As Ros points out, I can't really lose "synesthesic", as it's the point of the whole poem. It's also too obscure a thing to be implied if I were to drop the word itself.

@ Meehsa: Yes, a Japanese form would work well here. I'll have a think about that.

@ Maria: Glad you liked the "counting grass", it's probably my favourite image in this.

@ Nino: Thank you. No, it's not about OCD, but there is "something more than description of nature" going on. As I said in a previous reply, "it's about my wife's grapheme (colour synesthesia)."

@David: Emulate a real poet? Me? You flatter and overcredit me, old bean! ^_^

@ Ros: Thanks muchly, I always enjoy getting crit and comments from you

Cheers,

- Neil

[Meesha]

If you should decide on a japanese form for the piece, N, Synesthesia/c is a good title... hence no loss whatsoever as your current title has five sylls.

M