Dave

[rantingpete]

Dave

He passed the time of day
with out of work labourers
in dirty betting shops
Studying form.
Unwashed men with
their arses hanging out
of oversized jeans

With his winnings
he lined the pockets
of fat landlords.
Propping up the bar
at the Rose & Crown
with flat-nosed racists
telling homophobic jokes

Pubs with walls adorned with old photos
of cartoon dogs
playing snooker.
And pictures of Bulldogs
and stolen horses
while his wife scraped uneaten dinners
into black bin liners

[Lake]

Hello Pete,

Welcome on board.
You are depicting common people and their ordinary life in a vernacular language that suits the character, I think.

I feel these lines are not a complete sentence though I understand one doesn't have to use complete sentences in poems, but I just feel it is missing something.

And pictures of Bulldogs
and stolen horses
while his wife scraped uneaten dinners
into black bin liners

Let me know if I'm wrong.

A nicely portrayed local scene.

Lake

[rantingpete]

Hi Lake,

Thanks for your comments.

The incomplete sentences were not a conscious decision but I did achieve the desired effect that I wanted with this poem, in that I wanted to depict the characteristics and traits of Dave quickly and 'punchy' with a twist at the end.

Cheers. Pete

[rantingpete]

Sorry, I posted the previous message twice....