Poetry Forum

rev. 1


At 11.15 everyone openly
expresses the desire
to trust the other.
There's no wind.

A leaf blows into mind
gardens of eden. Don't trip
on its veins.

They're a prayer:
starry moon spits,
held back, lost

or found, sugary breath
song invention,
you choose.

---



At 11.15 everyone openly
expresses the desire to trust
the other. There's no
wind. All of a sudden,

a leaf blows into mind
masturbations of cliche
gardens of eden.
(Love is not a cliche).

Don't trip on its veins.
They're a prayer:
starry moon spits,

held back, lost
or found, sugary breath
song invention,
you choose.





---

?

hi,


The title implies morning, the time could imply late morning and the moon (evening?), confused me. But interesting for sure and definitely original. I am not sure you need the line "all of a sudden". I think it might transition betwen stanzas better without it and suggest something a little less abrupt.... more gentle.


At 11.15 everyone openly
expresses the desire to trust
the other. There's no
wind.

a leaf blows into mind
masturbations of cliche
gardens of eden.
(Love is not a cliche).

Mr Black
I agree - I don't need that line. Thanks for reading and fyour encouraging words.
And sorry for the late reply. I'm very pleased you enjoyed.
I hope I haven't lost any of the directness in the revision.


Sandbanx

Thanks for commenting. I'm referring to memories of the moon
and not to night. I have decided to prune this down quite a bit. I hope the poem's
somewhat better now. I appreciate your comment very much.


Best
Maria

I'm sorry, but I just didn't really understand this.
Can you explain a little?

I really liked the feel of this:
"At 11.15 everyone openly
expresses the desire
to trust the other.
There's no wind.

A leaf blows into mind
gardens of eden. Don't trip
on its veins."

Don't trip on its veins is great. But who is everyone? Eden is only 2. Also I'd remove the section break and perhaps run some of it together? Is there a reason you've structured the lines like this?

"starry moon spits" just missed me, made me think about it, but just didn't work in my befuddled head.

A confused Nicky B.

yea...like it very much...the anecdotal nature of the revision far superior...casual as if it tossed into the mind an after thought....great poetry...

you choose.... sez it all actually...words found when you didn't have a quick or a good idea of their meaning...i liked it that you included the pre revision example...it verifies your thinking...very goodly goodly...so...the understanding wasn't incidental huh.... didn't think it was...

it never even has to be plausible...few 'get' that...

it just has to be its value somehow....like the muscle movement of a smile....what is that!!!....well......its a smile....you see...liked this muchly....it made my day....louis