Don't be my rock

[nar]

so sedimentary, veneer
upon veneer of depressed
silts and sands
from floodplains
dunes or deltas

or so igneous, cooled
to crystalline crusts
of surfacing scums,
par-boiled basalts
smooth, magnanimous

be my brick, regular,
man made mortar
gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker


- Neil

[Sandbanx]

Magnanimous is brilliant.... it surprised me and I loved that.

My only nit would be in the last stanza,


be my brick, regular,
man made mortar
gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker


I'd think about adding a period.


be my brick, regular,
man made.
Mortar gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker


Good poem.

[Arian]

Very smooth, neil - rolls of the tongue nicely.
I'd also agree with the comment above about punctuation - I'd add that, though it's a good line, the sequence

smooth, magnanimous

be my brick, regular,


reads oddly unless you have a stop (or other formal cesura) after magnanimous.

Nice work
peter

[Nino]

Hello Nar

Haha I have a feeling I have seen it somewhere.(wink)

[Ros]

You missed out metamorphic, unstable and pressurized!

Nice one, Neil. Wish I'd written it.

Ros

[danaleekss]

on your back:
my homemaker

It was very much orgasmic until these last two verses I did not feel were worthy enough to end the poem. Extreme.

Dana

[Nash]

Reads exceptionally well as usual Neil, beautiful use of words throughout.

I'm not too sure about the last line though, sort of seems a little bit flat to me somehow. But perhaps I'm being overly picky, it's still a bloody good write.

[Meesha]

A wonderfully nailed analogy, Nar

so sedimentary, veneer
upon veneer of depressed
silts and sands
from floodplains
dunes or deltas

or/yet so igneous, cooled
to crystalline crusts
of surfacing scums/slag,
par-boiled basalts
smooth, magnanimous

be my brick, regular,
man made mortar
gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker

love it

M

[nar]

Thanks, everyone.

@ Sandbanx & Peter: You're right about the punctuation in S3. I was trying to hard with too litlle

@ Ros: "unstable and pressurized" - Indeed! Not sure I'll be rewriting, but some great suggestions.

@ Dana & Nash : I wasn't sure about the last lines either. Not enough of a twist perhaps? Cheers!

@ Meesha: Thank you, glad you enjoyed.

This is me working on a style, so I'm glad it worked for you.

Kindest,

- Neil.

[Nino]

Nar don't you check your pm inbox? Not here

[Nicky B]

I don't think you need a twist at the end, just something with a bit more oomph. Homemaker, what do you really mean by this? It's not a term many would be flattered by.It's hard to come up with alternative suggestions as I don't quite know what you're trying to say. Although I am curious. It's a shame as I really liked the rest of it.
Nicky B.

[ray miller]

floodplains dunes or deltas does roll off the tongue very nicely. I think "homemaker" is clever, perhaps not a PC word, though. If I had to criticise it'd be the two preceding lines "gripping you flat on your back". I'm assuming there's sexual analogy there, fair enough, but with a brick?

[Raincoat]

hi neil, really nice. agreed about the magnanimous, works perfectly because you feel as if it should be magma and it's a surprise to see it but this brings in an emotional feel and brings them to life and the same with par-boiled which finally leads onto the message at the end bringing in a personal touch. i like the alliteration towards the end with m which gives it a nice little feel towards the end.
enjoyed, tess