Poetry Forum

so sedimentary, veneer
upon veneer of depressed
silts and sands
from floodplains
dunes or deltas

or so igneous, cooled
to crystalline crusts
of surfacing scums,
par-boiled basalts
smooth, magnanimous

be my brick, regular,
man made mortar
gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker


- Neil

Magnanimous is brilliant.... it surprised me and I loved that.

My only nit would be in the last stanza,


be my brick, regular,
man made mortar
gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker


I'd think about adding a period.


be my brick, regular,
man made.
Mortar gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker


Good poem.

Very smooth, neil - rolls of the tongue nicely.
I'd also agree with the comment above about punctuation - I'd add that, though it's a good line, the sequence

smooth, magnanimous

be my brick, regular,


reads oddly unless you have a stop (or other formal cesura) after magnanimous.

Nice work
peter

Hello Nar

Haha I have a feeling I have seen it somewhere.(wink)

You missed out metamorphic, unstable and pressurized!

Nice one, Neil. Wish I'd written it.

Ros

on your back:
my homemaker

It was very much orgasmic until these last two verses I did not feel were worthy enough to end the poem. Extreme.

Dana

Reads exceptionally well as usual Neil, beautiful use of words throughout.

I'm not too sure about the last line though, sort of seems a little bit flat to me somehow. But perhaps I'm being overly picky, it's still a bloody good write.

A wonderfully nailed analogy, Nar

so sedimentary, veneer
upon veneer of depressed
silts and sands
from floodplains
dunes or deltas

or/yet so igneous, cooled
to crystalline crusts
of surfacing scums/slag,
par-boiled basalts
smooth, magnanimous

be my brick, regular,
man made mortar
gripping you flat
on your back:
my homemaker

love it

M

Thanks, everyone.

@ Sandbanx & Peter: You're right about the punctuation in S3. I was trying to hard with too litlle

@ Ros: "unstable and pressurized" - Indeed! Not sure I'll be rewriting, but some great suggestions.

@ Dana & Nash : I wasn't sure about the last lines either. Not enough of a twist perhaps? Cheers!

@ Meesha: Thank you, glad you enjoyed.

This is me working on a style, so I'm glad it worked for you.

Kindest,

- Neil.

Nar don't you check your pm inbox? Not here

I don't think you need a twist at the end, just something with a bit more oomph. Homemaker, what do you really mean by this? It's not a term many would be flattered by.It's hard to come up with alternative suggestions as I don't quite know what you're trying to say. Although I am curious. It's a shame as I really liked the rest of it.
Nicky B.

floodplains dunes or deltas does roll off the tongue very nicely. I think "homemaker" is clever, perhaps not a PC word, though. If I had to criticise it'd be the two preceding lines "gripping you flat on your back". I'm assuming there's sexual analogy there, fair enough, but with a brick?

hi neil, really nice. agreed about the magnanimous, works perfectly because you feel as if it should be magma and it's a surprise to see it but this brings in an emotional feel and brings them to life and the same with par-boiled which finally leads onto the message at the end bringing in a personal touch. i like the alliteration towards the end with m which gives it a nice little feel towards the end.
enjoyed, tess