Poetry Forum

I took a walk in morning light,

to feel the cold

&

to feel the night.

What I found was,

I knew time.

I knew it well,

and everything was fine.

Hello Windowfrost. The first thing that struck me with this one was the lack of imagery in the first line. Morning lasts 12 hours, thru dark to broad daylight. Then I wondered what night had to do with your morning walk. Perhaps if you'd have said "dawns dim light" or similar, it would have helped the reader to understand that the night was drawing to a close. Even in short poems we have to pay attention to detail. That said, I thought the rhyme worked well. Lionheart.
Just a thought here (no detriment to your poem), can anyone truly comprehend time? Did it begin with the Big Bang? Was there an eternity before the Big Bang? And when this universe eventually implodes on itself in another Big Bang, and creates an absolute nothingness, will time still exist? - Just a thought. Thanks for sharing, Lionheart.

?

Russell

I like the ideas and the images here. To me, it’s a very gentle, yet reflective poem. However, it does seem to be crying out for two verses. Why have you chosen to format it as one stanza of widely-spaced lines? It seems as if you’re trying to disguise the poem.

You’ve described this as a song, but I think it works as a poem.

With two minor modifications to words, the flow of the piece could be transformed. If the ‘&’ was omitted and ‘everything’ was changed to ‘all’, the rhythm would be much stronger. Perhaps you were trying to avoid that. I don’t think it would detract from the final product.

Will watch for more

og

Windowfrost.

I do like the pome, not sure I like the wide spacing though. It did nothing to affect the poem for me.

I wonder if you cannot reconcile the "morning" and "night" as mentioned by lionheart, by changing something along the lines of:

"I took a walk in morning light,

to feel the cold

left by the night ....."


all in all though, this is nicely done, very peaceful poem.

These are all good thoughts, thanks.
I think I will probably give it a few tweaks as it wasn't given much thought if I am honest.
Oh, and the way its all spaced apart: I don't like it either, I copy & pasted it from my blog & that is just way it came out when I posted it..
You can read more if you like at.. typewriteramblings.wordpress.com if you like.
Thanks a lot, everyone.

i think og has given you some good suggestions, but just wanted to drop in and say how much i liked the lightness of it, very delicate, nice. tess

Has a nice lyrical quality. Not sure about the use of the ampersand though but that's probably just me.

Just to enter a dissenting opinion - because there always has to be one - this just doesn't work for me as it seems to work for others. I like the simplicity of language, but it doesn't resonate for me. The first half seems bland, almost banal, and to say that "What I found was / I knew time. / I knew it well" doesn't convey anything meaningful to me at all.

I do like the last line, but even that seems overfamiliar, and the poems peters out in a haze of zonked-out bliss.

Maybe there's a subtle music here that I'm missing.

Cheers

David

To David.
Just to shine a light on the meaning for you,
the 'I knew time' part is a reference to Dean Moriarty.

Aha. I didn't realise that, and I'm not sure anyone else did. I read On the Road years ago, but I remember almost none of it. The full quote appears to be: "Everything is fine, God exists, we know time." So that must make your poem almost a found poem? If you're going to do this, perhaps the title should make a clearer bow towards the original?

i think i recall that quote now you mention it, in that case - def agree with David about adding in another reference in the title because that quote gives the poem an added dimension and it may go unnoticed by the reader - it did by me until you mentioned it.

Hey, windowfrost.

I like the idea here, but for me the last 3 lines are a little weak - a bit too abstract.

The last line allows you to just get away with it IMHO, but "I knew time. I knew it well" isn't concrete enough for me. I'm left with questions, but questions that have no image or emotion for me. If I'm to feel "fine" with you, I need to know a little more.

Nonetheless, I connect with the thoughtful morning walk and like the way you've approached this.

Thanks,

- Neil.