Poetry Forum

This is one of the first poems I have written and the first one anybody will have read. Please let me know of any thoughts, thankyou!

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He jumps back in his meat cage
Awakes for the sunrise
Muscles twitch and tendons Pull
Sunlight reflects of his eyes

Every day he wakes the same as this
Daily motions mean that he exists
Is the only power of which he holds
The remote control in his clenched fist?

He's pissed and can't be arsed
With this monotonous daily farce
He's seen his future bright and clear
In the bottom of a glass

Want's his freedom back
Like a whore wants smack

Who took it?

He's not sure

The image of a broken man
Lays shattered on the floor

He's bored and aware of being a mechanical animal bag of snot
The inbuilt yearning inside him is causing him to lose the plot

The clock...

That he lives his life by...

Is clashing with the deepest part of his minds eye
Lost at high tide
Life does fly by
Dosen't wanna die in a suit and tie now..

Breeeeath

So many distractions in existence
Friday night goes straight to the pub
Now there's cocaine in his system

Anchored to physicality
Falsely happy for a blissful moment

Unaware aware of what he secretly knows
Whenever his third eye opens

welcome Alex .. i'm an irregular visior here atm (lost my confidence in writing, blocked and all that argghh) .. but your writing touched me ...

i'm a sagittarian so things come out abrupt ... are you ready?

this is soooo how people feel in general that it's a universal ennui kinda thing .. some might call that cliche ... i don't care ... i like uni/multiversal ... what are we if we aren't those?

anyway, i had a fairly poor go at an edit because i'm rubbish at explaining or doing a line by line whatever but i know a lot of what i write is sheer personal trash that needs to be hoisted out of the personal diary stuff if it's even to blink at daylight .. so i've gone ahead on this basis, ok? discard immediately would be my recommendation because my edit's a personal, not an academic response *heh

he cowers in the meat cage, wakes for sunrise
muscle twitch or a tendon’s pull on light
from the bottom of an empty glass

in his wave
freedom’s pissed and powerless

who drank it all? he’s not sure but in the gasp
of low tide life’s a simple breath
heaved from shore in a wave of third-eye
revelation pushing out cocaine

remote control floats
aware of the broken man, anchored

I wonder why you choose to abandon the rhymed quatrains. Best bits, I think.Sunlight reflects of his eyes - in his eyes? off his eyes?
Is the only power of which he holds - this "of" seems superfluous.
Maybe dreary would be better than monotonous, for rhthym sake.

He's bored and aware of being a mechanical animal bag of snot
The inbuilt yearning inside him is causing him to lose the plot

Here I think you begin to lose the plot yourself a bit. Almost as if there are two separate poems. Be better to fuse it all together in one style. Or write two poems!

Thankyou both for your views.

"of his eyes" is a typo, should be "off'

I like monotonous and feel I will stick with it.

However reading over it again your point on the "bag of snot" part I take on board. When I read the poem out myself it seems to work, but looking at it from fresh eyes I can see how it may break the flow of the poem up. I will try to think of an alternative and re-post

Cheers!

Alex this is very ambitious for a first poem and you did very well....


I think that "like a whore wants smack" is overused and it appears almost an attempt to shock, or startle the reader. Yet later on, the subject of the pome "....goes straight to the pub
Now there's cocaine in his system".
I thought this (pot calling the kettle black??) took whatever sting there might be, out of the line about the whore.

some interesting images here.... even if I am not a fan of some of them they are certainly creative.