i'm in love with a girl
the butterfly to my knife
the spark in my heart
the rock of crack to my pipe
she's the marrow to my bones
the mobile to my home
the jesus to my christ
the pedal to my bike
i'm in love with a girl
she's the hemp to my weed
that feeling in my guts
she's the boat to my sea
the haemoglobin to my blood
the dirt to my mud
she's the yeast to my beer
the earring to my ear
i love her
To my
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oranggunung
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Hi Alex
The sentiments are clear here, but I’m not sure how flattering some of the comparisons are. The drug references don’t sound like the sort of thing a girl would like to hear. What would I know? I'm not a girl.
I like the way you’ve played with the rhyme scheme. The rhythm of the piece is good too. Just wondering about the use of “to my” all the time. Might there be some alternatives?
The pedals on my bike ?
The marrow in my bones ?
Quibbles aside, I found the poem upbeat and uplifting.
Gentle reminder ... Please remember that you are supposed to be commenting on the poems of others. That’s what keeps the whole forum ticking over. One of the best ways of improving one’s own writing is to read the work of others. Ironic, I suppose, but it’s a tried and trusted technique.
og
The sentiments are clear here, but I’m not sure how flattering some of the comparisons are. The drug references don’t sound like the sort of thing a girl would like to hear. What would I know? I'm not a girl.
I like the way you’ve played with the rhyme scheme. The rhythm of the piece is good too. Just wondering about the use of “to my” all the time. Might there be some alternatives?
The pedals on my bike ?
The marrow in my bones ?
Quibbles aside, I found the poem upbeat and uplifting.
Gentle reminder ... Please remember that you are supposed to be commenting on the poems of others. That’s what keeps the whole forum ticking over. One of the best ways of improving one’s own writing is to read the work of others. Ironic, I suppose, but it’s a tried and trusted technique.
og
Pared down, this could be downright burghal. And cool.
i'm in love with a girl
she's the marrow to my bones
the mobile to my home
i'm in love with a girl
she's the haemoglobin to my blood
the dirt to my mud
she's the yeast to my beer
the earring to my ear
Jack White would approve.
i'm in love with a girl
she's the marrow to my bones
the mobile to my home
i'm in love with a girl
she's the haemoglobin to my blood
the dirt to my mud
she's the yeast to my beer
the earring to my ear
Jack White would approve.
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")
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Ros
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- Contact:
Alex, we have a general guideline that you comment on two poems for each one you post, for the obvious reasons - a) the forum can't work otherwise, b) you will learn a lot from reading other's work, and c) you can't expect others to spend time on your work if you don't reciprocate.
And now I notice that og has mentioned the same thing...
Ros
And now I notice that og has mentioned the same thing...
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
I'd also prefer a pared down version, some of the lines good, some not so, I'm sure you know which are which.
I'm a bit of a cycnic, and found it a little sickly sweet, especially the last line, but perhaps I'm just a misery.
No problem with the drug references at all, in fact I liked some of these the best.
Liked the flow of it.
Nicky B.
I'm a bit of a cycnic, and found it a little sickly sweet, especially the last line, but perhaps I'm just a misery.
No problem with the drug references at all, in fact I liked some of these the best.
Liked the flow of it.
Nicky B.
Last edited by Nicky B on Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hi Alex:
Not the most romantic of sentiments, but maybe you are not writing to the "girl", but rather announcing your feelings to the world.
I think also that this could be a little shorter, otherwise it may appear as if you ended the poem when you ran out of comparisons.
C
Not the most romantic of sentiments, but maybe you are not writing to the "girl", but rather announcing your feelings to the world.
I think also that this could be a little shorter, otherwise it may appear as if you ended the poem when you ran out of comparisons.
C
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens
Hi there...
I like the subtle touch of S's 1 and 3, line3 - the use of "in" rather than "to", in contrast to the steady "to"s in the other stanzas. I think it's the little touches like this that make more seemingly simpler pieces more elegant.
Having said that, the penultimate line is almost crying out to be "the earring in my ear" to sit properly - I appreciate the need to keep to form and rhyme, maybe a different line altogether could make it end more satisfying.
Cheers.
I like the subtle touch of S's 1 and 3, line3 - the use of "in" rather than "to", in contrast to the steady "to"s in the other stanzas. I think it's the little touches like this that make more seemingly simpler pieces more elegant.
Having said that, the penultimate line is almost crying out to be "the earring in my ear" to sit properly - I appreciate the need to keep to form and rhyme, maybe a different line altogether could make it end more satisfying.
Cheers.