Poetry Forum

Hail-a love you be the word.
You be the unsoundable, uncompoundable,
Deep tonality and you shall distessful
With a single sacred word.

Song me. Song me on Sundays in the Cathedral
Or song me when I ambles down the Commercial Road
But song me Hail-a. Songs me until I streps before you

On bended beat up jacked up knees

For Aila-baby, I am your mirror. Moving all across the blasted sky
And I trash you sugar with this unfathomable word.

Hi
This seems like rap, is that right? There are a few confusing word usages which hinder the message. But that might be what you are trying to do?
I am thinking Aila is a name?
Got some good sounds in it.
Suzanne

The words in it give it so much depth, it's something that seems completely personal to the author, I like those as it seems the reader is only allowed in a certain amount and then pushed back.

The unusal use of language seems to be disguising a love poem? And I thought this has potential. Maybe rap allows for the destruction of English grammar and word usage - but for me it works, and much better than the love / hate poem full of angst. distessful? strep (s) before you although I am not sure what you mean?

B

I'm into weird literary stuff, but this suffers both a lack of and too much punctuation all at once. Note how I didn't use commas in that phrase... that's because I know how to use and the purpose of caesura.

Hail-a as a compound noun is interesting to say the least. But Aila-baby, my friend, is half a pure nonsense as it means nothing tangible. Well, not that I can source on the net at least. And I'm always wrong.

How about Hail-a-love you be the word... that seems more sensibly correct than half contrived to me?

Most good Rap uses consonance. You've assonance here with a combo of alliteration and its rhyme.

Just thoughts.

M

There is nothing wierd about this. Hail-a is ok.

It is a specific embrace Ifeel into a difficult subject.

I for one would of said: hail to the gods in this particular solar sytem of ours,
there are I think millions of gods as millions of systems no one God rules it All.
As there are millions of poets in millions of worlds it is worth some consideration at least to know we are never alone

like

"Haila-a"-------- reminds me of Clapton. It eased my worried mind........

You will find many alternative crits here but that is human nature through experience of lives on this planet after all without such experience can
we actually evolve? It reminds me of that saying "once I was a child but
now older and perhaps a little wiser I have grown" Emerson.