/monkey

[Mulbery]

I first saw him lingering on the tree
that sits beside my garden
in a careless prowl.

He was covered in manure
that heaped from his unfledged wanders,
but I couldn’t stomach the patience
of waiting for him to die.
I told myself: “a monkey never falls far from the tree
that resides in the mother country;
the brooding habitation that my home has become.”

Oh, what would Jesus have done?

I told him to go away,
to never bother me.
I had often destroyed things too foolishly,
but I didn’t care. As far as I was concerned
he was out of luck:
tranquiliser gun? Check!

I knew too well
that he was a threat to the human race;
there was nothing to compromise.
And like a quiet soldier,
I searched tirelessly for where he was hiding.

I followed his dishevelled trails
that were left on the morning haze,
I eventually found him in my front yard.
I bit my lips and said to myself:
"I got you now, you ol’ sly!"
I could see it through his eyes,
the fuming apparition, like he owns
all that is mine!

I shot him and smiled slowly;
his time had come!
The damage was done;
the disembodiment was very much
a part of me. But there was an air of tranquility to it,
a strange comfort that reminded me
that there was no longer pain to feel...

I solemnly swore that I wasn’t going to be a victim
to the fire that was his innocence.
And only in this state of mind
did I accept that I was only human.
I erected an altar beside my garden
just so I could preserve his corpse for another generation,
as I condensed my conscience.

[Nash]

I'm guessing that there's a sort of creationism/evolution debate going on here? I could be wrong.

There's possibly a not too bad poem somewhere underneath this but it does tend to ramble a bit. Take these lines as an example:

I told myself: “a monkey never falls far from the tree
that resides in the mother country;
the brooding habitation that has become of my home.”

It seems to be a bit of a clumsy way to construct a sentence to me, unless there's a reason for it that I'm missing?

[Mulbery]

It is funny how I ALWAYS thoroughly disagree with the criticism given to my pieces in this website. What is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted?

[Nash]

Blimey! You strike me as the sort of person that has trouble accepting ANY criticism.

Perhaps if you tried critting other peoples work then it would gently usher you into the whole process? What do you think?

[Mulbery]

You still haven't answered my question; what is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted? I am more than aware of how the critiquing process works, Nash- I just haven't been active in THIS website. I can accept criticism that is actually valid!

[Nash]

The thing is Mulbery, I took the liberty of checking your older posts after seeing your first response to my crit. You must admit that you do seem to have a history of rubbing people up the wrong way around here.

Of course, I dont mind you disagreeing with me at all, but there are ways and means of telling people. Don't worry about it though, I won't be giving you cause to disagree with my criticisms any more.

[David]

You still haven't answered my question; what is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted?

There are a couple of things that occur to me about it, Mulbery, which perhaps you could consider. The first is that the semicolon looks a bit odd where it is, and maybe a comma might be better; the second is that the third line does seem rather strangely put together: would something like "the brooding habitation that my home has become" work better?

There's more we could look at, if you like, or would you rather take this back into work in progress for the moment? If you would prefer not to have any more comments on it for now, while you do a bit of tinkering (fundamental or otherwise), I can always lock the thread until you're ready to come back to it.

Cheers

David

[Mulbery]

You still haven't answered my question; what is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted?

There are a couple of things that occur to me about it, Mulbery, which perhaps you could consider. The first is that the semicolon looks a bit odd where it is, and maybe a comma might be better; the second is that the third line does seem rather strangely put together: would something like "the brooding habitation that my home has become" work better?

There's more we could look at, if you like, or would you rather take this back into work in progress for the moment? If you would prefer not to have any more comments on it for now, while you do a bit of tinkering (fundamental or otherwise), I can always lock the thread until you're ready to come back to it.

Cheers

David

I see your point, and it is a fair one. Your suggestion was actually how I wrote the sentence, that proceeds the semi-colon, initialy. The phrase 'what has become of my home?' influenced the way the sentence was put together in the end. i wasn't sure if a comma would be grammaticaly correct to use between the second and third line, so that was why I used the semi-colon.

Thank you for your suggestion, I will definitely put it into consideration.

[oggiesnr]

An "unfledged" bird (where the word originates from, un-feathered) by definition cannot wander apart from falling from their nest. "Unfledged wanders" is a contradiction in terms.

There are some good ideas here but I feel they are half-formed, why is the monkey a threat to the human race? why does the protaganist appoint themselves as the executioner? why take pleasure in the death?

It seems to say a lot but in reality I think it says very little clearly.

Steve

[twoleftfeet]

It seems to say a lot but in reality I think it says very little clearly.

Steve

I can't help but agree.

The only thing that I can think of (assuming you meant to use "conscious" and not "conscience") is "monkey mind".

It is funny how I ALWAYS thoroughly disagree with the criticism given to my pieces in this website. What is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted?

I told myself: “a monkey never falls far from the tree
that resides in the mother country;
the brooding habitation that has become of my home.”

It seems to me you are paraphrasing the saying about the acorn never falling far from the tree, but I have no idea what
"resides in the mother country" can mean - it sounds like a literal translation from another language.
"Has become of" means "has happened to" - your use of it here doesn't make sense.
Similarly "patience of" seems a strange construction, to say the least.

What's with the "/" in the title? - I thought initially I would be reading a poem about Linux (which I would have quite liked..)

Feel free to throw your toys out of the pram as you did with Nash, who is a hard-working contributor to the forum,
if your ultimate goal is to post poems that nobody will bother to comment on, for fear of a knee-jerk reply.

Geoff

[Mulbery]

It seems to say a lot but in reality I think it says very little clearly.

Steve

I can't help but agree.

The only thing that I can think of (assuming you meant to use "conscious" and not "conscience") is "monkey mind".

It is funny how I ALWAYS thoroughly disagree with the criticism given to my pieces in this website. What is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted?

I told myself: “a monkey never falls far from the tree
that resides in the mother country;
the brooding habitation that has become of my home.”

It seems to me you are paraphrasing the saying about the acorn never falling far from the tree, but I have no idea what
"resides in the mother country" can mean - it sounds like a literal translation from another language.
"Has become of" means "has happened to" - your use of it here doesn't make sense.
Similarly "patience of" seems a strange construction, to say the least.

What's with the "/" in the title? - I thought initially I would be reading a poem about Linux (which I would have quite liked..)

Feel free to throw your toys out of the pram as you did with Nash, who is a hard-working contributor to the forum,
if your ultimate goal is to post poems that nobody will bother to comment on, for fear of a knee-jerk reply.

Geoff

Not sure why you assume that I would that I would 'throw toys out of the pram'. Thanks for pointing out that I put 'conscience' intead of 'conscious', which is what I meant. You are also correct that 'has become of' does mean 'has happened to', but it also means 'the fate of'. But now that you have mentioned it, the line doesn't fit as well as I wanted it to be, so I have decided to change the line. Not sure why you felt 'patience of' was a strange construction though.

[RedStone]

I didn't get the point of the poem, its not like you see alot of monkeys sitting in trees you can dislike and interact with.

[Arian]

I ALWAYS thoroughly disagree with the criticism given to my pieces in this website.

What's the bloody point of posting then? If, by definition, you can't (won't, more like it) learn anything, why waste everyone's time, including your own?
You damn well wasted mine. I read it, a few times, and was going to comment (essentally positively, but with a reservation or two). But now I can't be bothered, as you're bound to disagree. After all, you ALWAYS disagree. And thoroughly.

[Memo to self: NEVER, EVER bother to read this person's stuff again, as any crit will be disagreed with (unless, we presume, they like what they hear. How often have we seen that?)]

peter
(Who has better things to do with his time than read complacent, self-satisfied, uncriticisable "poets").

[BenJohnson]

I see you have posted this elsewhere on a lyrics/song writing site, out of interest into which category do you think this fits best, Poetry or Lyrics?

[Mulbery]

Poetry

[JJWilliamson]

Hello Mulberry,

I've read this poem a couple of times and although I enjoyed some of the lines I honestly struggled to identify your central premise.
Some thoughts for your perusal. Please use or lose as you see fit.

I first saw him lingering on the tree ...Could you name the tree EG oak, ash, willow etc even acacia if your poem is based in Africa.
that sits beside my garden ...Not sure about trees sitting. There must be a better word.
in a careless prowl. .... Is it possible to prowl carelessly?


I'm assuming the monkey is carelessly prowling and not the tree.

He was covered in manure
that heaped from his unfledged wanders, .... Not sure what unfledged wanderings are. Are you saying the manure was 'heaped' on him? Perhaps drop 'that heaped'
but I couldn’t stomach the patience .... Are you saying your weren't patient enough to wait for him to die. Yes, that could be a long wait.
of waiting for him to die.
I told myself: “a monkey never falls far from the tree
that resides in the mother country; .... I'm not really getting these lines at all.
the brooding habitation that my home has become ... Can a habitation 'brood'?

Oh, what would Jesus have done? .... Nothing, I suspect.

I told him to go away,
to never bother me. ... These lines could be strengthened.
I had often destroyed things too foolishly, ... Drop 'too'
but I didn’t care. As far as I was concerned
he was out of luck:
tranquiliser gun? Check! .... I think the monkey is about to be relocated.

I knew too well
that he was a threat to the human race; ...Why is he a threat?
there was nothing to compromise.
And like a quiet soldier,
I searched tirelessly for where he was hiding. ....'his hiding place' perhaps

I followed his dishevelled trails
that were left on the morning haze,
I eventually found him in my front yard. ... I'd consider a more obscure hiding place. Remember this had been a tireless search.
I bit my lips and said to myself:
"I got you now, you ol’ sly!"
I could see it through his eyes,
the fuming apparition, like he owns
all that is mine! .... Don't really understand any of this. It's difficult to get a handle on your meaning.

I shot him and smiled slowly;
his time had come! .... Must have used a lot of tranquillizer.
The damage was done;
the disembodiment was very much
a part of me. But there was an air of tranquility to it,
a strange comfort that reminded me
that there was no longer pain to feel... Not sure where the pain has come from

I solemnly swore that I wasn’t going to be a victim
to the fire that was his innocence.
And only in this state of mind
did I accept that I was only human.
I erected an altar beside my garden
just so I could preserve his corpse for another generation,
as I condensed my conscience.

I like the 'altar' but I must admit I'm a tad lost.
This could very well be down to my inability to glean
the relevant information from your poem.


I hope this helps

Best

JJ

[Gbn]

Hey man, one of the things I don't like us the jarring use of dialogue that is at odds with the more formal language used in the stream of thought presented..'I got you now you oil' sly' lacks a situational integrity I feel it should have if used. I like the poem generally, the internal rhyme and kinda rhythm it has...but conversely feel it would be better to hear than read?..Gbn