Poetry Forum

The Toymaker sold dreams.
Smiling children on the Christmas morn,
a day of light amongst the gloom
children radiant and happy
and flights of wonder
soaring within a child's mind.

Parents tried to buy the dream.
Standing worried in the shop
afraid that the toy they could afford
would not buy the dream.
Scared of a child's scorn
who dismissively killed the dream
with "It's alright I suppose".

The Toymaker had lost his dreams.
Mortgaged across the years
his dreams no longer took flight,
he merely took the money
for other's dreams and fears.


Steve

the usage of dreams is far too overly used that all i seem to remember about the piece is dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams.

I get the point parents try to buy what the kids want.

Hi.
I am not sure about this one. I can understand the idea but it seems to get bogged down in the narrative, somehow... Hmmm.
Let's see how this looks, just an idea off the top if my head:

The toymaker sold them for
smiling children on the Christmas morn,
a day of light amongst the gloom
children radiant and happy
and flights of wonder
soaring within a child's mind.

Parents tried to buy them,
standing worried in the shop
afraid they could afford
to buy even one.
Scared of a child's scorn
who could dismissively kill it
with "It's alright I suppose".

The Toymaker had lost his.
Mortgaged across the years
they no longer took flight,
he merely took the money
for other's dreams and fears.


just didn't say what it was until the end.
I think that you have something started but it is not quite flowing in narrative yet. Maybe I helped juggle it and it will jog something loose to consider.
?

What do yo think?Just a thought.
Suzanne

Thanks for your comments, food for thought,

Redstone, I take the point about belabouring dreams.

Suzanne, you're much subtler than I. I tend to lay it all out the start and go from there. I see where you're heading with the re-write (many thanks) but it's a bitt too far for me, I'll try and find a compromise

Steve

Yes, I'm afraid I agree. It's strange after reading your piper piece where the image is so strong, and that just isn't coming through here. Perhaps you can't see it as clearly yourself? Hmmm, would be interested in seeing a re-write though.

Nicky B.

I agree, I think the idea was clever but dreams was very over used, though if you squeeze the content and take out some of those repeated words I think you could have an reasonably good poem on your hands.

Nicky B wrote:Yes, I'm afraid I agree. It's strange after reading your piper piece where the image is so strong, and that just isn't coming through here. Perhaps you can't see it as clearly yourself? Hmmm, would be interested in seeing a re-write though.

Nicky B.

The truth is probably even simpler. I have always written poetry in spasms followed by a long fallow period. This is one that I wrote some years ago and I agree with everything that's been said about it. A re-write will be forthcoming

In my current "spasm" I am actually reading and thinking a lot more and I think that's reflected in my writing, I'm also a bit older, had one major illness and I think that is reflected in my most recent poems .

As a point a point of information all the poems except this and one other that I have posted here are "current" poems, can anyone spot the other "ringer"?

All the best

Steve