Poetry Forum

There stands he,
The man ready for them
To drag him down to
The old chair, where he'll sit.

Waiting for death,
Not long now, old man,
Not long to go now
Before they do away with you.

Not long before they lift their guns
And fire blankly.
'Tis sad to think of,
But not surprising;

Not surprising behavior,
Coming from a corrupt nation,
Such a corrupt Empire.
And you, like me,

Are not afraid to say it...

So who's the mysterious Arabian sheik to which you refer?

I'm not so sure about bringing yourself into such a poem. Better to concentrate on your outspoken critic of the West I'd have thought. Tends to water things down otherwise.

'Tis? Yuk.

It's opinionated stuff, but doesn't really say anything original, does it? Or have I missed something?

Shalom.

shadwell smith wrote:So who's the mysterious Arabian sheik to which you refer?

I'm not so sure about bringing yourself into such a poem. Better to concentrate on your outspoken critic of the West I'd have thought. Tends to water things down otherwise.

'Tis? Yuk.

It's opinionated stuff, but doesn't really say anything original, does it? Or have I missed something?

Shalom.

Haha you know the last two lines of the third stanza and the last stanza have always been a question to me, I've never been too sure.

But yes, the poem refers to Akmal Shaikh... and is not being critical of the East, and believe me, there are poems I have written about the west too.

Regardless, thanks for reading, and I'll have a think about that originality thing. This was written 2 years ago, and I'd like to believe my writing has improved since then. These were the days when I still wasn't completely comfortable with what I was writing.

Appreciate you offering an opinion.

Shalom.

Hello Blue Moon

When you head bang against brick it hurts - doesn't it?

Not sure?

Bang harder.



J.

JohnLott wrote:Hello Blue Moon

When you head bang against brick it hurts - doesn't it?

Not sure?

Bang harder.



J.

Oh sorry J haha

Am I not making it clear enough?

Akmal Shaikh was a British muslim who was executed by China for drug smuggling, about two years, you might remember, I don't know. I wrote that poem the night he was executed and stayed up watching the news for the confirmation to come through that they had killed him. I wrote about it because he suffered from some form or another of special needs, I have a number of friends who have siblings that suffer from similar conditions, and I can't bear to think how they'd feel if they were in a similar situations.

blue moon

are you a man or Muslim crying across the desert sands drugging your knuckle heads

or a you a poet, a poet that is able to translate his peoples plight into poetry,

i don't give a fuck what the Chinese do in their country,

when in Rome don't be a radical

but in saying what i have said, you come across as an amateur martyr.

as a poet as your self, write your poetry, give it life, give it death,

give it passion, give us fellow poets your creations of poetic shadows,

your life, i don;t care if your god rides on the back of a st-Augustine thinking sausage,

but you as a poet have a gift, and that gift is to tell us about backgammon phantoms

as you play the board game of your Islamic life;

i for one would love you to give us Islamic poetry,

Islam has a gift shear it with us;

Hello Blue Moon

Now that the dust has settled.......

An emotive subject and in my mind worth a poem.

But it has to hold the reader- it cannot be a matter of fact narrative.

There has to be a context and, in my opinion it needs to go from light to tight to fright.

[And where did 'Shalom' in the threads come from? - that is confusing - are you Islamist or Israeli?]

Stay with it

J.

Blue Moon,

You say that Shaikh had "special needs" but you don't quantify this.
If it affected his actions or made him vulnerable/exploitable then I think those facts should be mentioned in your poem.

I agree with Shadwell/Oskar - you don't need to be in the poem.
Also "t'is" is an archaism.

Geoff