No title good enough

[onlyifonly]

Hi all. I have not been around much lately. I will try and be more diligent with my contributions.

No title good enough

Dad, look at the height of the tower I just built,
the length of the track I weaved amongst the legs of the dining room table.
No dad, I did not scratch the furniture. Mum said it was ok. I’ll pack it away.
Look at the camp I made out of blankets and coats dad.
Dad, I’ll be cowboys if you’ll be Indians dad?
Dad?
Dad I rode 5 miles on my own today. I took photos of the ducks dad.
In black and white. I think they came out really well dad.
Dad? Do you like them dad? No I did not get the camera wet dad.

I know a guy who knew a girl who knew a bloke that once heard
you might be proud of me.
Dad, I have won the Nobel Prize for the world’s greatest son,
the gold medal for being caring and generous,
the Oscar for best actor in life and the comedy award
for best impersonator.
I cured cancer, I beat world hunger and I have created peace on earth and
all before lunch today dad.
I have climbed Everest to reach you dad, but when I got to the top
you were still not there.
There are no higher mountains to climb, no more disease to cure, no more hungry people dad.
No more places to look for you, no more places to search for me.
I know a guy who knew a girl who knew a bloke that once heard
you might be proud of me.
I don’t think its true. It can’t have been you.

[JohnLott]

Hello onlyifonly

If only....

I think you almost have an interesting/arresting social message but I don't think the structure and the words and the diction make it what it could have been.

When you read it aloud look in the mirror.

If it don't seem right - re-write - right?

(Be aware the last time I looked in the mirror it cracked)

J.

ps. No kid who builds towers knows a man who knows a girl who knows a brothel in tashkent (or whatever)

[onlyifonly]

Thanks for the feedback. The two verses were supposed to be different ages. The first as a child, the second as an adult. Now you have said it I can see no reason why the reader would get that. I will work on it.

I get your other points too. I appreciate the pointers you have provided.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi, Only

The need of the child to feel loved by the parent even when he/she realises the parent isn't really worth it?

Much enjoyed, but I would be inclined to change the layout somewhat so that there aren't lines with more than one sentence on.

I think you could safely omit these lines:

There are no higher mountains to climb, no more disease to cure, no more hungry people dad.
No more places to look for you, no more places to search for me.

Geoff

[Travis]

This is far too redundant to be effective.

The first half was going in the right direction though, managing to show instead of tell (and on this more or less positive note, I'll add that L6 is superfluous) by means of general enough situations that most folks can relate to. The second, however, involves you beating the reader over the head with pop-deep adages in service of little more than overblown personal sentiment. As such, it fails.

Constructively,

Me

[David]

The first half was going in the right direction though, managing to show instead of tell(and on this more or less positive note, I'll add that L6 is superfluous) by means of general enough situations that most folks can relate to. The second, however, involves you beating the reader over the head with pop-deep adages in service of little more than overblown personal sentiment. As such, it fails.

That is, pretty much, exactly what I think, although I'll put it slightly differently ...

The first part is touching and effective. It might need a little polishing and tweaking, but essentially it works. The second part is, as Trav says, just you saying plainly what you artfully implied in the first part.

So just cut the second part. This is a very decent poem:

Dad, look at the height of the tower I just built,
the length of the track I weaved amongst the legs of the dining room table.
No dad, I did not scratch the furniture. Mum said it was ok. I’ll pack it away.
Look at the camp I made out of blankets and coats dad.
Dad, I’ll be cowboys if you’ll be Indians dad?
Dad?
Dad I rode 5 miles on my own today. I took photos of the ducks dad.
In black and white. I think they came out really well dad.
Dad? Do you like them dad? No I did not get the camera wet dad.

Cheers

David

[onlyifonly]

I agree with all your points. As it is written I would agree. The poem was supposed to be in two halves. One was the experience of the child. The second as the adult. Both are needed but I need to write the second half again as it completely fails to communicate what was intended.

The idea is that failure to bond with the child in early years has deep effects on the adult. They will never stop trying to gain the fathers approval as and adult and it becomes destructive.

The second half fails completely because nobody got it.

There should be a 3rd part about completing the cycle and not bonding with the adult's child.

Lots to do so thanks for all the feedback.

[David]

I disagree. I think we got it, but you didn't need to say it. We'd already got it (or understood that it was implied) in S1.

The idea is that failure to bond with the child in early years has deep effects on the adult.

This is completely implicit in S1.

Still, if you're sure you need a second section, then go for it, and the best of luck to you.

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

The second half fails completely because nobody got it.

I DID get it, I just thought the second half was too long.

If you are going to add an S3 I would suggest keeping it short and also severely paring down S2.

Geoff

[Pauline]

I just want to say that I really enjoyed this post.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
My personal opinion is that this is a raw piece of emotion
that captures the hurt and frustrations of being let down
by a person you looked up to and held in high esteem.
No mater what you did you couldn’t please him

Your dad let you down when you were a kid
and it continued into adulthood.

You said it how it is
and for me your message came across loud and clear.

I was most defiantly moved by your revelations.

Thanks for sharing your emotional memory.

[gavin]

onlyifonly


you have many aesthetics judgments

even david went all the way

i did love the first part, you audit your child hood which i found lovely,

but the second part seemed self indulgent;

[JohnLott]

Hi OnlyifOnly

A line that was niggling at me from somewhere in my mind was in the second half..... I have found it and just to say that if you do go ahead with a (revised?) 2nd half bear the following in mind:

I've danced with a man, who's danced with a girl, who's danced with the Prince of Wales was a song written in 1927 by Herbert Farjeon..... and you are using a similar construct.



J.