Poetry Forum

Select Samaritan's thread on the Poetry Discussion Forum got me thinking about the Grandson and Heaven and that led to this:

Kabam, Kabash, Kaboom
Thunder echoes around the room
Grandson on his PS 2, what’s a
Minder supposed to do?

Kack, Kaff-Kaff,Thonk, Kerchow
Heroes, Villains, constant row
His nonstop “Grandad, play with me.”
I feel the approaching insanity

I retreat to the kitchen to make lunch
But f-lop, and “Arggh” then thrunch
And a deathly silence following babel
Says I’ve tripped over his Kazaking cable!

[ http://epe.lac-bac.gc.ca/100/200/300/kt ... omhome.htm ]

Hi John,

This one is wasted on me.
I really don't like poems that contain phonetic exclamations that have no meaning.
It's just an opinion though. And an inexperienced one at that.
Maybe the long time residents of PG think differently.

To each his own, right?

Kindest
Richard

ouch!
Now why did I expect that?

Dream Crash? - of course.

You've never read Marvel Comics as a kid, have you




J.

Hi John,

Oh dear, I think you misunderstood my comment.

You're right about the Marvel comics. They've never been my thing either.
I was more into comics like Storm by Don Lawrence.

Quite different from Marvel.

John wrote;
ouch!
Now why did I expect that?

Dream Crash? - of course.

John, I sincerely hope you don't think I have a tendency to retaliate after a very useful if rather critical review of my work.
I further hope I made clear that my not liking this piece, is a matter of personal preference and no judgement of quality on my part.
I meant to indicate, I could not objectively review this piece because my personal preferences are in the way.

Just to be completely open about this;
I may not agree with all points you made about "Dream crash" but I do very much appreciate you for making them.
Every read/review is useful input for me. Your review of Dream crash is a schoolbook example of very useful feedback.
I'm on this forum to learn and get better at writing poetry.
Every opinion (especially those I don't share) helps.
The only sense competition I feel is towards my own incompetence.

So your "ouch"...; entirely unnecessary from my point of view.
I intended no malice or even a critical note.
I just stated a personal preference that excludes this style of poetry as a whole.

So don't be discouraged.

Kindest,
Richard.

This really was a bit of fun, Richard. You're supposed to smile and move on.
Or maybe discuss childhood comics?

J.

Moving on

I keep forgetting to say that I like this. I thought it was fun and would be something your grandson would enjoy forever. Assuming it was a true moment of sorts.

I don't like the last line as I don't understand it but overall, I can see that this is the sort of poem that brings a satisfaction when written. I enjoyed it. I twas like your photographs, capturing a slice of time.

Suzanne

Thanks Suzanne

The comicspeak of kids.

'Kazaking' cable in comicspeak means I tripped over the power line from the wall socket to his gaming machine and switched it off!



J.

John,

I almost missed this - most amusing!

I struggled to make the last line scan, but I can't offer any alternatives: pulling out the cable would imply a
deliberate act instead of a cock-up wouldn't it?

My only suggestion would be to change the title to some kind of ironic Hero-name to show how un-super you are in
the last line.

There was a section on this in MOCK THE WEEK:
"Fear not! Procrastination Man is here!! .. Where are all the bad guys?"

Geoff

PS Have you seen the Adam West/Burt Ward "BATMAN" movie?
Full of ZAP! KERPOW! for the kids, but a brilliant send-up for the adults.

You're right of course Geoff.
The last line could be "Means I've yanked his kasaking cable" but I've got to do my (Ros) counting of beats and such.
I haven't seen that particular Batman film but I've heard the bam biffs splats from earlier versions, and of course I've read the comics.....

Thanks



J.

JohnLott wrote:You're right of course Geoff.
The last line could be "Means I've yanked his kasaking cable" but I've got to do my (Ros) counting of beats and such.
I haven't seen that particular Batman film but I've heard the bam biffs splats from earlier versions, and of course I've read the comics.....

Thanks



J.

You HAVE to see it, John
It's hilarious - here's a sample clip:

Hi Geoff,
Thanks for the clip.
Good thing I can read, otherwise I would have missed all that tricky innuendo; and that shock-horror shark was a tingle worse than a Rowntrees Fruit Pastille exploding on the taste buds.



J.

JohnLott wrote:Hi Geoff,
Thanks for the clip.
Good thing I can read, otherwise I would have missed all that tricky innuendo; and that shock-horror shark was a tingle worse than a Rowntrees Fruit Pastille exploding on the taste buds.



J.

John,
The whole film is like that! The police are even dumber than the Dynamic Duo.
IIRC there's a great scene where Batman dances in a disco, and, of course, Holy Clark Kent Specs, Catwoman has only to
take off her mask in order to fool B&R. The bonus is - there's plenty of KERPOW! for your grandson.

Hi John,
I liked this piece! I even came back to add my comments. (First)

Having a grandson myself I could relate to this work quite well and read it over several times. You have created a scene that takes place in our household when my 'Little Sprout' comes to town.
Lock up the cat, he's here!
Stanza two for me is the best! You have described the sounds that echo around these silent
walls and bring life back into the home. Great phonetic exclamations....

My best regards
Paul
Viking Poet (U.K.)

Thanks Paul.

Grand children are great - until they get bored that is.

At least we can pat them on the head and send them back to mummy before we go insane.
Not sure whether I prefer our comics to their PS2 games though.....



J.

Hi again John,
If I knew in advance that they were such good fun I'd have asked for them first! Cut out all the middle bit.... I wish!
As for the PS2, Wii and the like, they are restricted in favour of Chess, Backgamon and other human interactive past times whilst he is here. Teach them Chess and you get at least one minute of peace and quiet in between moves. With Backgamon, you get used to the sound of a hard shook dice cup after a while and It keeps us both out of trouble? lol!
Cheers for now.
Paul
Viking Poet (U.K.)

Hi Paul,
I wish.
They can multi-task to the point of amazement.
PS2, Chess, texting, chatting, television on, Mah Jong and still managing to ignore the questions you ask about their (boring, dull) days.
How the hell can wee (wii) keep up?



J.

Hi,
I really enjoyed this. I could clearly see the room and the noise and the whole image of the place. But

And a deathly silence following babel
Says I’ve tripped over his Kazaking cable!

I really did not like the penultimate line as the last two felt like they were too constructed to make it rhyme if you get my drift. There was a nice fun flow through the rest and then this felt awkward and artificial. I may well be wrong and just relating the same problem I have had in poems where I have an ending and then have to contrive something to make it work.

How about,

his console leaps right off the table
I've tripped right over his kazaking cable

Mine is not better though but I just don't get the term 'babel'

But I like the rest.

Thank you OnlyifOnly

The last two lines have been problematic

Your suggestion is OK.

Bear in mind that 'babel' is from 'The Tower of Babel': insane noise, deafening, crescendo, then silence. Wonderful silence.



J.