Poetry Forum

Left hanging


Low-lying areas
are still frost-slippery
and like icicles
that stretch in increments
to touch the ground,
you edge slowly down
each wet layer solidifying
a whispered "fuck you"
under my breath

under my roof
under my eaves
under my
where you'll never reach.

Below.







.

[s]Low lying[/s] Low-lying areas

The only problem is that you end up with two hyphens possibly too close to each other:

Low-lying areas
are still frost-slippery

***

under my roof
under my eaves
under my (This might benefit from an ellipsis.)

For example:

under my roof
under my eaves
under my . . .
where you'll never reach.

Finally, I'm not understanding the hyphen sticking out of "solidifying-".

Naughty!



J.

...but nice. Very nice, indeed, though I agree with SS's suggestions. Enjoyed.

p.s. You can put the title in the subject area.

J.

I know when I like a poem because I read it and read it and it never gets less interesting. I am not sure I would change anything. I am sure there are more experienced people on the forum that will have helpful hints. But I just like it so careful how you change it :->

Nice poem.
I'm just not entirely sure about the title.
The narator obviously is not the one left hanging.
I would sooner name it " leave you hanging" or perhaps "rejecting" or maybe a bit more playfull "out of reach"
Just something to think about. Perhaps others disagree.

Kindest,
Richard.

RichardSanders wrote:Nice poem.
I'm just not entirely sure about the title.
The narator obviously is not the one left hanging.
I would sooner name it " leave you hanging" or perhaps "rejecting" or maybe a bit more playfull "out of reach"
Just something to think about. Perhaps others disagree.

Kindest,
Richard.

Like the idea "out of reach"

Thank you for useful replies. I have edited slightly and will think about a title change. Gazelle