Poppy
It lay at the foot of the concrete stairwell,
dirt-streaked and trodden,
a tear through one petal,
barely visible
compared to that yellow glob of spit
on another,
the slime
darkening the red seen by many,
yet so few were conscious,
concerned with nothing more
than avoiding a stain
on the sole of their everyday shoes.
dirt-streaked and trodden,
a tear through one petal,
barely visible
compared to that yellow glob of spit
on another,
the slime
darkening the red seen by many,
yet so few were conscious,
concerned with nothing more
than avoiding a stain
on the sole of their everyday shoes.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
I bet. But seeing that poppy like that - and in an area considered quite a nice place to live - just goes to show. Ignorant or what?
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
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Perhaps ironically, given my previous comment on your stuff, I like the title of this, but I'm not so convinced by the piece itself.
I like the way it starts but, after that, it seems to lose its way a little, drifting into a slightly forced rhythm (not helped by the - to me - unintuitive line breaks), awkward syntax and slightly tired language.
All the same, I quite enjoyed reading it.
Cheers
peter
I like the way it starts but, after that, it seems to lose its way a little, drifting into a slightly forced rhythm (not helped by the - to me - unintuitive line breaks), awkward syntax and slightly tired language.
All the same, I quite enjoyed reading it.
Cheers
peter
Ooooo, that smarts. But rightly so. When it comes to presentation, I don't think I'll ever improve. My syntax is appauling. I've rarely any idea how to set things out properly and my line breaks are always hit or miss. But tired language, even slightly tired, I hate and there's no need for it. I should have let this settle before posting, at least until my mind got into gear enough to come up with something fresher. It's one of those pieces intended as a snapsot of something I spotted, wanted to write about while it was still in my mind and I'm glad I did, but what I take from it now is one simple phrase 'spitting on poppies' which hardly makes for a poem on its own. Thanks for the honest crit, Peter. It's exactly what I need if I'm ever going to improve.t seems to lose its way a little, drifting into a slightly forced rhythm (not helped by the - to me - unintuitive line breaks), awkward syntax and slightly tired language.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
A very very good poem
One must run slowly into the vortex of poetry
It can sweep you up with-out thinking;
For it rules are religious and classical
But also these laws are so fucking irritable;
Your poem gets wonderfully lost in the clouds of madness
Which gives it strength and substance.
The poem comes with frankness, with academic observations,
The unruffled forehead of the narrator gazes into his crystal mirror
And gives a poem festooned with snot;
Then brings out pearls of wisdom;
Loved it,
One must run slowly into the vortex of poetry
It can sweep you up with-out thinking;
For it rules are religious and classical
But also these laws are so fucking irritable;
Your poem gets wonderfully lost in the clouds of madness
Which gives it strength and substance.
The poem comes with frankness, with academic observations,
The unruffled forehead of the narrator gazes into his crystal mirror
And gives a poem festooned with snot;
Then brings out pearls of wisdom;
Loved it,
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Very nice.
Gritty and observant.
How the little things that get ignored can really hit you in the face.
Humbly impressed.
Kindest
Richard.
Gritty and observant.
How the little things that get ignored can really hit you in the face.
Humbly impressed.
Kindest
Richard.
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- Posts: 15
- Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:48 pm
I agree with Richard, who cares about syntax, this poem is gritty and emotive and there is a poignancy to it. well done!
Really nice work. Just a quick question - is it a normal poppy or a paper Remembrance Sunday poppy?
James
James