Poetry Forum

When the rain comes dripping down your face
and all you ever had in life was one place
where you could rest your head and feel at home.
And now that's gone and you're all alone.

You know she'd be there if it was her decision
but you took it out of her hands and put yourself in this position.
Now you can't help but feel you've missed that chance
to create and destroy a possibly great romance.

Just hit the bottle. Just the hit the bottle again.
Pretend it's always been your best friend.
When the cold winter of isolation stops you in mid-flow,
crack open another can and put on a show.

So dance home in the thick black night
to the grey life that used to be white.
Pull your knees tight into your body, sit and hope
that tomorrow's not just another day down this slope.

Hi,

I like the last six lines.

Every thing before that seems to lack the true emotion that goes with the subject and seems a bit bland to me.
Maybe if you write it in a first person perspective it'll work better.

Hope it helps,

Kindest,

Richard

Tighten up on the rhythm slightly and this could be decent enough, but more by the way of song lyrics than a poem. It actually reminds me a lot of the stuff I used to write before I learned about ambiguity. But although I'm still learning myself - I don't think you ever stop, tbh - I think for me, what constitutes a successful poem, is more what one can read into the words than what's actually stated and this is what's missing here. But being able to express your intended sentiment is half the battle and I feel you have done that. The rest can be worked on over time.

What a great title. I agree with Moth about it being songlike, and quite a good song it would make too. Slightly heavy on the self-pity in the final verse, but a good crunchy read, none the less. Pain (brilliant and completely accidental Anglo-French pun there, by the way) with nowt taken out.

Cheers

David

Sounds authentic to me and the title got me to read. Perhaps more bite with less lines.

Mac

A decent poem. But.

S2 is a hiccough in the story.

If she wants to be there and you dumped her, why all your grief and self-pity?



J.

I like the ryhme, and most of this got my attention, but not understanding why you want to "create and destroy a possibly great romance".

also, bottles and cans in S3. I would prefer all bottles or all cans...

The poem is a wanker’s journey through, lock stock and two smoking barrel’s.
The rhymes I fancy come from you being tipsy, is forced.
The first verse was an iamb, had a nice feel to it, a rhythm, but your can to bottle
Those charming allurements wreaking your already weaken state of mind.
The poem turns out to be the uncontrollable salvations of a drunk.

I felt the poem only really came to life and had some originality in the last four lines, before that it's just a little obvious. I think with a little work it could be a pretty good poem.