Poetry Forum

You used to yell at me so,
I could feel the world shrink around me.
You'd crush me with the gravity of words,
that settled in my stomach like a singularity.
When you hugged me with all motherly love,
I'd escape your grasp by hiding inside it,
in fear of choking on the arid goo,
that formed in my throat.

(This is probably going to be the first stanza of a longer piece. I'd love some feedback to determine if I'm heading the right way).

Okay, this is the grounds for an effective piece that should hit hard if I'm reading it correctly... The weakest point I see personally is "I'd escape your grasp by hiding inside it," - nothing wrong with what you have written don't get me wrong but I think it needs filling out a little - like there is a little something missing that I didn't quite catch hold of? I feel the bitterness and anger of the piece though so it does come over and I am new here, so make sure you lilsten to others too before deciding where to go next with it! It sounds raw and personal - like it's meant to mean business... Would like to come back on its completion so do shout up! Look forward to reading more of your works...

[quote="RichardSanders"]

shrink around me.
like a singularity.
/quote]

Hi Richard
Like the rhyme. Big one to start. Like the circus master entering in a big hat.
Ant

Hi Ant,

Thanks for your response.
In all fairness though, I don't think this is realy a rhyme.
"me" is a long sound while "singularity" has a short abrubt end to the sound.
If I've understood crits I've had on other pieces from linguistic scolars, this does not even qualify as a half rhyme.
Half rhymes are based on identical consonants.

Fortunately, it was not intended to be a rhyme. If I've learned anything here on pg, it's that poetry does not require rhyme and that most best poetry hardly has any full rhymes at all. It took some effort but i've since learned to focus on form, meter and rhythm rather than rhyme. It's been quite liberating and I can advise it to anyone.

Still I thank you for your interest and hope you'll grace me with your opinions again in the future.
I also hope to read some more of your work as well and will of course gladly return the favour.

Kindest,
Richard.

RichardSanders wrote:
Shrink around me.

singularity.

Hi Richard.

S..in..ar..y/e
What makes it a big rhyme is not simply the last sound (which is rhyme if pronounced ee..as in "ee by gum", though not otherwise as you note) but that hint plus three other shared sounds in the second half of the line. When we are first told about poetry we are told about rhyme..and think that is all about last sound on line being same. But then the thought comes: what about not just last sound but many sounds overlapping in latter half of sentence? (Call it rhyme or similarity of sound structure.)
I hope that explains my remark about opening with a "top hat rhyme"? Such sound combinations often explain why we (unconsciously) picks words we pick in poetry. It is not just a matter of last sound.
That overlap of sound explains why many readers of your poem will be tempted to read singulariteeee. It is because they have been set up to do so by prior overlap of sound.
Cheers
Ant.
"Don't be simple minded when it comes to rhymes,
remember sounds have homes along two lines".
p.s yes, thank you, I look forward to being read Richard. I will keep an eye open for yours.

Hi Ant,

Thank you very much for you clarification.
It was a real eye opener. I had not considered the sound simularity on that scale.
In fact, now you opened my eyes to it, I may consciously work with them rather than rely on this accidental instance.
Again it's obvious I have very much to learn about poetry.
Thank you for the educational feedback.

Kindest,
Richard.