Poetry Forum

Running your fingers
over my delicately tuned form.
Blind. – You know which keys to press.
To enhance sweet music from me.
Happily and playfully,
my white notes singing love.
The darker side brings juxtaposed
moods and sadness,
pedalling drama and bitterness.
You know just how to play me.

Hi Anais,

Although not quite a genre I prefer ( but that's just me ) here are a few thoughts.
S2: instead of "blind" I think "blindly" might make the line read smoother.

This part doesn't feel right to me:
"The darker side brings juxtaposed
moods and sadness,
pedalling drama and bitterness."

Either the line endings, puntuation doesn't support the content or...
Or maybe the word "moods" doesn't fit right because it's not specific.
Or "the darker side" reminds me to much of Starwars.
Or all of the above.
A suggestion:

The flipside brings juxtaposed
regret and sadness,
pedalling drama and bitterness.


Hope it helps,

Kindest,
Richard.

Interesting feedback Richard, thanks for reading and commenting - I shall give this further thought. Loving this site - am already feeling like I'm getting useful feedback - oh fabulous! Much appreciated...

Hi Anais,

Just a word of caution, I'm still very much a beginner, so don't take my comments as truth.
All I can offer is my opinion. I advise you to wait for some more feedback from others before changing you work.

Kindest,
Richard.

Your views just as important as anyone elses Richard, in my opinion. I've been writing a while but being on heavy meds still leaves me away with the fairies at times so my editing needs watching carefully. I can get my ideas down when the muse flows - the rest has to follow slowly... Back to opinions they are always personal anyway and at the end of the day a poem belongs to the author so I'm with you on that one... Just because someone says it should read like xyz doesn't mean we have to change it. Of course there are many far superior in language arts than myself so any help is always welcomed... Thankyou again, your time given valued.

I love poetry that creates a strong mood within me. I felt the sensuality of that piano (or keyboard) metaphor.

I like this anaisnais.

A poem that everyone can relate to as we all know which buttons to press to get certain reactions from people. Whether we are hoping to wind someone up or we are in the mood for love. Comes from familiarity I guess.

I especially like, 'running your fingers over my delicately tuned form.' Although it might be obvious to think of a female speaking these words, I think it's more fun thinking of these words coming from the mouth of a guy. Oh darlin', 'you know just how to play me.'

Lovely,

Deryn

Hi,

I liked this, but only after baulking a bit over L1 & L2, which I thought might be the start of a clichefest. Thankfully they weren't. The metaphor is fine, and well enough played, but I'm left without a point or conclusion. Overall, it's good, but mibby needs a wee twist or some other oomph at the end.

Thanks,

- Neil

Hi anaisnais ,

Love the double entendre here. Very well played.

Cheers,

Lake