Poetry Forum

V3.
It all came down to her dog
frolicking in the park each day,
chasing birds and fetching balls
with barks amongst children's laughter.

She would come, to rest and watch
on this bench in birch's shade,
to let his shenanigans and his charm
replenish her diminished mind.

V2.
It all came down to Tommy
frolicking in the park each day,
chasing birds and fetching balls
with barks amongst the children's laughter.

She would come here to rest and watch
on this bench in willow's shade,
to let his antics and his joy
rejuvenate her fading mind.


v1.
It all came down to Tommy
frolicking in the park at noon.
Chasing birds and fetching balls
with barks amongst the children's laughter.

She would come here to rest her bones
on this bench in willow's shade
to let his antics and his joy
rejuvenate her fading mind.

On first read-through I though "Tommy is an unusual name for a she..." Like the image of someone who used to take her dog to the park and watch it, but who is whom needs clarifying.

Hi Richard

Tommy being dog and she being one who watches I assume.
I like internal rhymes of CHasING Birds and fetCHING Balls..
Not sure about "resting bones"...too close to cliche perhaps.

Cheers
Ant

I'm reminded of the old claim that pensioners with dogs live longer..

Hi Ant,

Thanks for your thoughts. I'll think about the bones.

Kindest
Richard

Hi Bloggs,

Thanks for your feedback.
I'm looking for the balance between being explicit and not explaining to much.
Your feedback helps pinning it down.

Kindest,
Richard.

I do like it though..brief and to the point.
Ant

Small edit,
Lost the bones and changed the punctuation.
I hope it works better.

Quite a pleasant image Richard, the first line brings to mind the first line of 'The Red Wheelbarrow'.

I keep wanting to read this in the present tense, "It all comes down to....", what do you think?

If it were mine I'd also lose the name of the dog, which strikes me as irrelevant, so the first line would read "It all comes down to a dog". Not sure how you'd feel about that, it may de-personalise it too much for your tastes. I'd also consider losing the last line of S1 and condensing S2 down to three lines to balance it.

Nice, worth working on I think,
Nash.

Hi Nash,

Thanks for your suggestions. I'll consider them carefully.
I do indeed think leaving out the name may make it to general and less easy to relate to.
I'll play around with it a bit and see what works.
Oh yeah, the red wheel barrow was part of the inspiration.
I wanted to try something similar.

Not sure about present tense though.
It would remove the melancholy of a fond memory of "she".

Or perhaps noone picked up on the fact it suggests the "She" is nolonger with us or at the very least that her habit is lost now.

Kindest,
Richard

Hi Richard,

I quite like it, like the images that brought memory to mind, though like Blogg I was a bit confused by he and she after the first reading. But now I get it.

Best,
Lake

Edited and titled.

Am I overdoing the rhyme in V3?

Would love your opinions.
Thanks.

Kindest,
Richard.

I was about to say to add a title, so I am gald you did.
I think I like V2 better.
"her dog" in V3 makes who Tommy is more clear, but L4

with barks like children's laughter

it appears to me children's laughter sounds like dog's barks?

Hi

I see you have unleashed the internal rhyming beast. Why not.
I really like bench/birch. Like it overall.

Typo...Diminished?
Is it too much you ask...well not for me, but then I like internal rhyme. So I may be biased.
Ant

Hi Ant,

Thanks for your feedback. Typo corrected.

Hi Lake,

Thanks for your feedback also.
I'm glad the idemtity issue is resolved with "her dog".

I'm not yet sure if i'll change L4.
It's not so much meant to be taken literally. It's more about the sentiment behind the bark and the laughter.
I'm going to wait for some more feedback.

Kindest
Richard.

Hi Richard

I am coming to this after the earlier revisions and agree that "dog" works better than "Tommy".

I still prefer the original version of barks and children's laughter rather than like the laughter.

Regards
NorwichPoet

After some carefull consideration, I decided to change L4 after all.
Thanks for the adviced guys.

Kindest,
Richard.

Good decision!

Regards
NP