Poetry Forum

There is a house that's filled with common folk
who've risen to the limit of their station.
They do their best to bother and provoke
and blame the opposition on the matters of taxation.

I went to see this house when I was young.
Our member met us promptly there at 10
He looked at me like I was doggy dung,
and shook my hand whilst taking out his silver fountain pen.

His autograph was just a wavy line
with no pretense at spelling out his name.
I thought "I hope his speaking's more refined -
it's murder when they mumble and their words all sound the same."

Within the house, the air was stale and foul -
boiled egg that's tinged with lemon - slightly tarty
like somebody had done a bottom growl
or disemboweled a member of the opposition party.

A few moth-eaten members just looked dead,
or skirting on the edge of their existence,
whilst others puffed their cheeks and got quite red
when talking on the subject of the levels of subsistence.

In all, it was a shambles and a farce.
It's dire to think those scoundrels run our nation.
The buggers there aren't fit to wipe my arse,
ne'er mind pretend that they can form a sound administration.

But what on earth could we have here instead?
For anarchy's a self-defeating notion,
Will we continue like the living dead,
or will they see the sense in Newton's second law of motion?

Hello, welcome to the board. Do you have a real name? It doesn't really bother me if people use a pseudonym but I usually address people by the first part of that pseudonym and.......well, you can see where I'm going with that.

It's an odd construct you've got going on here, iambic pentameter quatrains with an extended final line? Is that your invention or has it been used before?

The rhyme scheme obviously follows through but, for me, it feels a bit forced in places, particularly young/doggy dung (does anyone actually say dog dung?), tarty/party (it may be there for comedic effect but the whole egg line seems a bit irrelevant I think).

I'm not sure that I completely understand the physics punchline, but that could (and probably is) just me being a bit dim.

Sorry to be so negative on your first post but I'll look forward to seeing what else you have to offer.

All the best,
Nash.

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I enjoyed this.

The long final lines, which seem to be seven feet each, work really well, I think. Sort of an Alexandrine plus! And I think each one closes its stanza pretty decently.

I agree with Nash that "doggy dung" is unfortunate - so near, but it's just not a phrase that's used. I suggest stating an age in line 1 here - five, or six, or eight, or nine, or ten, or whatever - and finding something other than "doggy dung" which rhymes with that number.

The thought in inverted commas in S3 doesn't sound like the thought of a kid, though I suppose it could be if you were a teen.

"Tarty" is sort of wrong but I really like "bottom growl" and the next line so I'd keep that. Good stuff.

S5 is very good.

I thought "shambles and a farce" was pretty tautologous. Try something more descriptive than "shambles". "The buggers there aren't fit to wipe my arse" unfortunately is completely at odds with the child narrator we've just been in the company of - and even from an adult it sounds terrible. I think you need to rewrite this line and the next - and the next is worse, because the poetic "ne'er" is so opportunistic, and given the slagging you've handed out it seeems odd to call it "a sound administration".

I don't get the Newton reference at the end. Last stanza feels rather rushed off.

Anyway I love the form, well done for getting the metre right and this is not half good.

Thanks so much for the crits. I do agree with the doggy dung comment, also the point about ne'er. With regard to the change of narrator, I suppose I thought the reader would understand the shifting from child to adult, but I'll try to do something about it. With reference to Newton, this is copied from Wiki -
Motte's 1729 translation of Newton's Latin continued with Newton's commentary on the second law of motion, reading:
If a force generates a motion, a double force will generate double the motion, a triple force triple the motion, whether that force be impressed altogether and at once, or gradually and successively. And this motion (being always directed the same way with the generating force), if the body moved before, is added to or subtracted from the former motion, according as they directly conspire with or are directly contrary to each other; or obliquely joined, when they are oblique, so as to produce a new motion compounded from the determination of both.
Maybe I was too vague - I was trying to point out that, if the political parties keep trying to push in all sorts of different directions, then a reasonable momentum is never achieved.
I don't know if the construct is a traditional one...it's just the way it flowed in my head:) I'm so glad I wasn't slagged off for rhyming. Poetry can sometimes!

Many thanks, and I'll see what I can do to improve.

Don.

Nash wrote:Do you have a real name? It doesn't really bother me if people use a pseudonym but I usually address people by the first part of that pseudonym and.......well, you can see where I'm going with that.

Had to smile.
But it was a question unashamedly, almost pointedly, ignored. So we can only presume our (welcome) new member is indifferent to the consequences.
You're clear to Go, nash

cheers
peter

Wow...didn't realise how sensitive the guys had got on here (I did sign my reply, so I thought that would suffice). The name is Don Speumy, and I'm pleased to meet you. I posted on here a few years back, and got too tied up with all the "rights and wrongs" of it all. I did enjoy the experience and learned a lot. I was so sad to hear that Barrie died. His work will be missed by all. A true genius as far as I'm concerned. Anyhow, I just thought I'd pop back in as some of my comedic stuff was appreciated last time. Hope I haven't ruffled feathers:)

No sensitivity on my part Don. Hope you didn't take offence to my comments, just trying to be funny....but probably coming across as a bit of a nob.

Sounds like you were here well before my time, so welcome back.

All the best,
An unruffled Nash

Don't worry mate. I don't post my name in public either. It's the internet, call yourself whatever you want. Don Speumy - sounds like some kind of cheap and nasty fizz.

Edit: without meaning to be offensive if that is actually your name...

Nash wrote:No sensitivity on my part Don. Hope you didn't take offence to my comments, just trying to be funny....but probably coming across as a bit of a nob.

Sounds like you were here well before my time, so welcome back.

All the best,
An unruffled Nash

Ditto
An equally unruffled Peter

No offense taken chaps. Nice to be here again....it's been a loooooong time without much inspiration. I was hoping that twoleftfeet might be able to unravel the wool around my true identity, but I've left a crit for him and he hasn't twigged. I'm happy to be Don for the time being. I'm sure someone will recognise my work sooner or later. I'm posting in beginners because I don't want this work to be taken too seriously - just trying to give people a laugh - sometimes, for some people, it might be the only laugh they get all day. You just never know what might offend though. My next post may be considered offensive to part of our society - but only if they're up their own backsides (no pun inteded). You'll see what I mean when I post the poem!
Thanks again, Don.

thetwatinthehat wrote:No offense taken chaps. Nice to be here again....it's been a loooooong time without much inspiration.
I was hoping that twoleftfeet might be able to unravel the wool around my true identity, but I've left a crit for him and he hasn't twigged.
I'm happy to be Don for the time being. I'm sure someone will recognise my work sooner or later. I'm posting in beginners because I don't want this work to be taken too seriously - just trying to give people a laugh - sometimes, for some people, it might be the only laugh they get all day. You just never know what might offend though. My next post may be considered offensive to part of our society - but only if they're up their own backsides (no pun inteded). You'll see what I mean when I post the poem!
Thanks again, Don.

Sorry for being so thick, mate - you are Mick the JESTER (I hope ) and I claim my £5!
Great to see you back!

Late to this one.
The nitettes have all been pointed out, so all that's left to say is that I was mightily entertained by it.
Looking forward to your next post.