Poetry Forum

They played your song
down an alley way
No one heard it but the
puddles swayed
as they dance
for just a little more rain.

And you fill out your dress
just to fit in the bars
you were making smoke rings
outline the stars
and people thought
was that the milky way?

And closing your eyes
just to watch the air
sending fingers coursing
down your tangled hair
as you tried...
not trying at all

Well you opened up
as you knocked 'em down
in whiskey bars
all across the town
then you heard your song
you heard the sound

(Instrumental)

The taxi man that
drove you home
two hours too late
at a quarter to four
was someone you'd get
to like to know

His words were few
but he spoke enough
didn't shoot the shit
about the usual stuff
if the weather changed
he couldn't give a ...

You invited him back
but he left instead
because of the woman
he was forced to wed
the one who
filled his boots with lead

And years from now
outside your door
was a taxi man at a
quarter to four
the one who couldn't
take it no more

marten wrote:They played your song
down an alley way
No one heard it
but the puddles swayed
as they danced
for just a little more rain.

And years from now
outside your door
was a taxi man
at a quarter to four
the one who couldn't
take it no more

Not everyone agrees with me, but personally why waste end line emphasis with little words - the/a.

I like the first three verses because they were the ones with images. I particularly liked the play where puddles sway to dance for more rain.

You may like to change these verses to the immediacy of simple present tense:

They play your song
down an alley way
No one hears it
but the puddles sway
as they dance
for just a little more rain.

And you fill out your dress
just to fit in the bars
you're making smoke rings
outline the stars
and people think
is that the milky way?

And closing your eyes
just to watch the air
send fingers coursing
down your tangled hair
as you try...
not crying at all

Well you open up
as you knock 'em down
in whiskey bars
all across the town
then you hear your song
you hear the sound

Hi Marten,

I really like this line...

And you fill out your dress
just to fit in the bars


seth

Good points made by mac and, like Seth, I also thought that dress line was very nice indeed. They’re song lyrics, so the whole shebang can be lifted with the support of music. That’s something I’d like to hear.

Unlike mac, I’m not too sure about the dancing puddles.

Regards

Thanks Mac, for taking time with this one. I like your idea of putting this in the present tense to give it more immediacy. I hadn't looked at these lyrics on paper until the other day when I finally wrote them down. I am not as happy with the last half of this - I'd like to incorporate a little more imagery like that in the first few verses.

Seth, thanks for the input. Something about a girl filling out her dress that just works for me.

Thanks Oskar, I too am undecided about the puddles; in addition, I think there is a lot that could be strengthened and now that I have it on paper instead of in memory while I play the guitar I can do that. Writing lyrics to music, so many of the words are chosen based on how they sound together - how they sound with each chord.

They’re song lyrics, so the whole shebang can be lifted with the support of music.

I agree totally.

Thanks again gentlemen,

Marten

I enjoyed this, especially (unlike others apparently) how it ends. A taxi driver with a lively mind who has to work through the night, with a wife at home who's filled his boots with lead, who strongly connects with the 'heroine' of this piece, and who finally cracks - all that seems vivid and powerful. There is just enough there to really get the reader's imagination going.

Thank you Zorro, much appreciated.

Hi,
Will the recorded version with music come out at some point?
seth