Eastbourne Revisited

[Rushing Jay Hunter]

Her liver-spotted hands lay out
unfurled within a floral print.

His framed vernacular oversees
khaki-clad in sepia.

Eternal light seeks out the chair
through curtains barely drawn.

Still waiting for the first son’s
final visit to Eastbourne.

[Ros]

Hi RJH,

Good to see you here. Remember that the general rule is two crits per poem posted - you can learn a lot from seeing what works in others' work.

Ros

[Rushing Jay Hunter]

Ah, thanks Ros, shall have a read of others again and comment

[KevJ]

There is a great sense of Melancholy In this one that I like. Is the first borne son visiting someone who has died or about to?

[Macavity]

Title>hands>photograph>chair>and a sense of finality and closure to conclude. I think you have a strong spine to the poem, though some of the detail is familiar (eg liver-spotted). I liked that juxtaposition of first/final; I could see the chair, pleased you didn't add another adjective there; 'khaki-clad in sepia' was an effective signpost too. I didn't understand your use of 'vernacular', but that could just be me.

cheers

mac

[Rushing Jay Hunter]

There is a great sense of Melancholy In this one that I like. Is the first borne son visiting someone who has died or about to?

Thanks Kev glad you liked it - I started with the conceit that she had died, but it could be read that she is about to.

All the best

RJH

[Rushing Jay Hunter]

Title>hands>photograph>chair>and a sense of finality and closure to conclude. I think you have a strong spine to the poem, though some of the detail is familiar (eg liver-spotted). I liked that juxtaposition of first/final; I could see the chair, pleased you didn't add another adjective there; 'khaki-clad in sepia' was an effective signpost too. I didn't understand your use of 'vernacular', but that could just be me.

cheers

mac

Thanks Mac, 'Liver spotted' I now feel is too obvious think I shall replace with 'indifferent' (ie cold)
Vernacular can describe a type of photography that has a practical use eg passport photo, or in this case to describe an army regimental photo - i liked the formal sense this gave.

Ta

RJH

[Macavity]

RJH it is probably advisable to await other responses before revising. There are far more knowledgeble members here than me. I'm not sure 'indifferent' would have meant 'cold' to me, in this context, without your explanation.

all the best

mac

[RichardSanders]

A strong piece. Not sure you needed to change to V2.
Both give me the sense of being in the room.
Though what I mis there is the old-people smell. Maybe something to consider adding?

[Rushing Jay Hunter]

thanks richard

good idea shall consider another edit. i prefer v2 less obvious

cheers
RJH

[Macavity]

Immobile hands lay out
unfurled within a floral print.

I still prefer the original Richard. The dynamic of the lines for me is 'unfurled'. Adding the right adjective for hands is not only difficult to achieve, but I don't think is necessary for the success of the lines:

Her hands lay out
unfurled within a floral print.

mac

[Sunrise]

I didn't view this poem straight away as the title didn't draw me in, I had visions of coach trips and amusement arcades which didnt appeal. However this is possibly just a consequence of the electronic format where in a book I would have scanned the first few lines aswell as the title and understood the theme.
I do prefer the original version, I find 'immobile' a little awkward in the flow of the first line compared to the 'liver spotted' which also brought an much clearer image to mind.
Lines that particularly stood out to me where:
"Eternal light seeks out the chair
through curtains barely drawn."
Not only does this add to the description and atmosphere of the room but for me indicated the start of a final journey 'into the light' was this the intention?
This really grew on me with every read, thank you.

[lo-lee-ta]

Hey! this is great. It might just be me but while i can feel the bleak tone to the poem, I also get some comic value. That may be because I live in Brighton and this poem really oozes the essence of Eastbourne haha. Especially with words like sepia, floral print and liver spots x