Poetry Forum

The sun arose with me today
I don’t remember me again today
Just like yesterday or the day before
Whether standing, sitting or lying on the floor

In the wardrobe, the mask stares eagerly
To hide what’s already hidden within me
The mirror gives a smile I do not know
I have perhaps, polluted my own glow

Drawn into incessant city lights, having to run
I’ve forgotten to stop and gaze at the sun
Oh how I wish shackles of shamelessness no longer forbade me
And the sun could strip silently, layers of loathing and embrace me

I pray patiently for my searing soul to heal
So it reverted to the jaded joy it once could feel
The night befalls again, never planning to stay
The sun arose with me today

I very much like:

Drawn into incessant city lights, having to run
I’ve forgotten to stop and gaze at the sun

even though one is tempted to ask why the city lights are on when the sun is shining. But I won't ask. It's poetry, after all. But even poetry needs to make some sense (I would argue, not all would).

The rest? I quite enjoyed the almost chant-like rhythm it starts with, but after that you seem to chuck any kind of metric discipline out on its ear, and the whole thing gets a bit anarchic. And, though rhyming couplets can (even these days) still work, it's not an easy technique to pull off - and perhaps using the same word to fulfill the rhyme might be considered taking the easy route. We can all do that. You also flirt quite heavily with cliche in quite a few places.

Still, not at all a bad effort, if you're new to the poetry game, which I imagine you are. It has some thought behind it.

Cheers
peter

Arian wrote:I very much like:

Drawn into incessant city lights, having to run
I’ve forgotten to stop and gaze at the sun

even though one is tempted to ask why the city lights are on when the sun is shining. But I won't ask. It's poetry, after all. But even poetry needs to make some sense (I would argue, not all would).

The rest? I quite enjoyed the almost chant-like rhythm it starts with, but after that you seem to chuck any kind of metric discipline out on its ear, and the whole thing gets a bit anarchic. And, though rhyming couplets can (even these days) still work, it's not an easy technique to pull off - and perhaps using the same word to fulfill the rhyme might be considered taking the easy route. We can all do that. You also flirt quite heavily with cliche in quite a few places.

Still, not at all a bad effort, if you're new to the poetry game, which I imagine you are. It has some thought behind it.

Cheers
peter

thank you very much for the critique. Yeah, I am a total novice, I have new found love for poetry so just put the pen to paper and tried to jot down thoughts with some sort of structure to them and rhyming couplets seemed the easiest way to get something started. I think I'm much more suited to free verse but I will try out different rhyming schemes because as you implied, rhyming couplets are very hard to be genuinely inventive with and difficult to get the technique spot on.
Ostensibly, the greatest poems do make a lot of sense while leaving open, room for other commendable interpretations so I would agree with you on the poetry making sense part. I wrote it before doing some research into writing poetry and I did fall in the trap of not making much sense and being all over the place or anarchic as you put it. Very good criticism so thanks again.

Hi there.

Just a thought, but if you are trying out couplets, it is sometimes a good idea - to avoid the thudding sound - to rhyme on last consonant rather than last consonant + vowel. For example..instead of "cat/hat" you could have "cat/thought". I mention this because it lessens sense of thud and gives more freedom. When I first started I started with couplets..many do..and found the thought helpful.
Welcome to PG.

Best wishes,
seth

Antcliff wrote:Hi there.

Just a thought, but if you are trying out couplets, it is sometimes a good idea - to avoid the thudding sound - to rhyme on last consonant rather than last consonant + vowel. For example..instead of "cat/hat" you could have "cat/thought". I mention this because it lessens sense of thud and gives more freedom. When I first started I started with couplets..many do..and found the thought helpful.
Welcome to PG.

Best wishes,
seth

Thank you Seth, for the welcome + the useful suggestion, it sure does give more flexibility, will try to utilise this into my word choice.

Some nice rhyming going on here. The third stanza is the weakest I feel and wonder if you might rework the last two lines which are very long compared to the rest. They're not quite in the groove I think. But not a bad effort.

hi bw

I dont mind the anarchic, frantic and even senseless...never quite sure what may be discovered. My thought would be to keep to the shorter line of the opening stanzas for maintaining the pace. I liked the unhinged feel of...

The mirror gives a smile I do not know
I have perhaps, polluted my own glow

cheers

mac