Dating half-my-age (warning: some explicit language)

[RichardSanders]

You stab spiteful derision
from red-veined twenty-something eyes
spitting venom with a sick; 

"only twice? You lazy old prick!"

Yes, I'm lazy and old and unable to pick 
my limp dick up again tonight 
at this sickeningly youthful sight
by fluorescent light.
So what, if my performance didn't suffice? 

Instead of insincere goodbyes
I wave a forcibly bright;
"Well...    at least I tried."

[bunnywabbit]

hahaha I love the humour and the honest depiction of reality in it, a little too explicit for my liking but very cleverly composed imo.

[Arian]

Sorry Richard, but where's the 'explicit language' that demanded the watershed warning? It all seems pretty tame, almost innocent, to me.

Anyway, I liked:

red-veined twenty-something eyes

and s2 has a certain honesty to it that's appealing.

Couldn't make sense of

spitting venom with a sick;

isn't sick an adjective? Doesn't quite work for me.

Cheers
peter

[Arian]

Ah, wait...maybe you meant

spitting venom with sick (no article). That would at least make grammatical sense, though the imagery becomes a bit strange.

Cheers
peter

[RichardSanders]

Hi Peter,

At first I thought it rather tame too but after the response from bunnywabbit, I thought it better to warn then to offend.

As for the line "spitting venom with a sick"
Maybe it should have been, "sickening"
Because it was meant to indicate the physical feeling at hearing the next line.
Does that make sense?

[Arian]

Maybe it should have been, "sickening"

Hmmm, I think that would merely make the line more confusing. Perhaps your best bet is to make it a simile, as in:

spitting venom like sick;


cheers
peter

[RichardSanders]

Hi Peter,

I appreciate the suggestion but that would definately change the meaning and impact.
I think I'll leave it as it is for now and hope someone else shares their views on this issue.

I think as an adjective, it does work in relation to the quote on the next line.
Maybe the problem is the line-break?
To be quite honest, I do not see the gramatical error.

[Arian]

Fair enough, Richard.

It's a good sign that you have confidence in your own work - you can't, and shouldn't, yield to every crit/suggestion.

Cheers
peter

[Rushing Jay Hunter]

Richard,

I like the visceral feel to this and the imagery.

I agree with you that spitting venom with a sick is grammatically correct to me in describing how the next line was delivered by the speaker.

Though may I suggest dropping ‘old’ in this line. I think it will scan better and is unnecessary - the title sets the scene well enough:

You stab spiteful derision
from red-veined twenty-something eyes
spitting venom with a sick;

"only twice? You lazy prick!"

That said enjoyed it very much

All the best

RJH

[LunarTree]

i love how honest this poem is, made me giggle.
"spitting venom with a sick; " makes me think that you blew your load to early, but i have a weird mind and know that's not what you meant