Poetry Forum

revision

While Adam sleeps in dreams of apple pie, she rolls
pastry for a tempting treat, baking golden brown
in tropical heat. With time to bathe, unzips her skirt
and spies her lover dozing summer schemes.
An axe lies lazy by his knee, a glass
of cider by the apple tree, and bees
are humming hexagon themes. With prey
to please, she wears his cotton shirt, descends
the stair and loosens three buttons. A snake
uncoils, all sleek and smooth, an hour to tease. She runs
her hand across his shedding skin, unravels cares
with lips and liquid sighs, to gift an eternity
of sin in taste of apple pie.



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0riginal

Whilst Adam sleeps in dreams of apple pie, she rolls
a pastry for a tempting treat, baking a golden brown
in tropical heat. With time to bathe, unzips her skirt
and spies her lover dozing summer schemes.
An axe is lying lazy by his knee, a glass
of cider by the apple tree, and bees
are humming hexagon hive themes. With prey
to please, she wears his cotton shirt, descends
the stair and loosens three buttons. A snake
uncoils, all sleek and smooth, an hour to tease. She runs
her hand across his shedding skin, unravels cares
with lips and liquid sighes, to gift all sin in taste of apple pie.

You been watching Nigella?

to gift all sin in taste of apple pie. - to gift all sin?

An axe lies lazy by his knee - that would sopund better to me.

baking a golden brown - do you need "a"?

and bees
are humming hexagon hive themes - again, I think it better without hive, the meaning is still there.

Nigella - now there's a thought - perhaps she can slot this into her next book

thanks for the edits Ray, duly updated

cheers

mac

Hi Mac

This does work better for the edits I think. There's a lovely sensual quality to this.
Though I very much like the poem as a whole, my fave bit is:

An axe lies lazy by his knee, a glass
of cider by the apple tree, and bees
are humming hexagon themes.

Cheers Kev. I quite like that bit too - it has a glass of cider for one thing!

mac

The best poem I have so far come across on this board. Cracking . As someone has already said , it has a fantastic sensual quality to it. Great images and use of language.
I love this.

Shedding his cotton skin perhaps? Just a thought

Outstanding! I did not read this at first, the title did not catch my eye. The edit works even better for me. Nice one.

RJH

Thanks LP. I'll have a ponder on your suggestion. One reason I introduced shedding was the snake suggestion, so I'm not sure cotton detracts from the feel of that.

cheers

mac

Thanks for the thumbs up on the revision RJH. I agree the title is not much of a hook, but I didn't want to label/unwrap the poem without some deception.

cheers

mac