Poetry Forum

We would have been happy
playing between piled up jumper goal-posts
but you spoiled our beautiful game.
Jumping in, studs sharpened
two-left-feet.
You made every game a non-friendly.
Your greatest own-goal
succeeding where sadistic games teachers
with Bobby Moore delusions never could.
Afterwards,
as we headed off minus one to the ice-cream van
Our spirits lifted by a Screwball
you took our captain home
to endure another post-game analysis over the Subuteo
when all you needed to do
was just watch us play
and see your boy dazzle
like Bobby never could
between piled up jumper-goal posts.

I don't think all the line-breaks are pulling their weight. Do you need them at all?

In "Jumping in, studs sharpened/ two-left-feet.", did the studs sharpen the feet? Maybe a comma after "sharpened" would help. I think "succeeded" rather than "succeeding" would help readability. Why does "Our" begin with a capital letter? Isn't it "Subbuteo" rather than "Subuteo"?

You have "jumper goal-posts" in line 2 and "jumper-goal posts" at the end.

Hello Tim.
Thank you very much for your comments and advice.
I have re-read it to myself without the line breaks, and I can see your point, and also agree that they could be ommited.
I suppose a comma after 'sharpened' could help, but did not feel that it was needed, especially after a comma following 'jumping in'. I just thought it would have been understood that he was jumping in with two left feet and studs sharpened, but obviously not.
There was no intention meant in the capital O in 'Our'. I simply missed this grammatical error before posting and will attempt to be more punctual in future. Apologies.
After checking on Google, I can see that Subbuteo as you correctly pointed out is two b's. I will receive my red card for that one like a good sport.
I realise that I have "jumper goal posts" in line 2 and also at the end. It was intentional. I was trying to reiterate, that all 'he' had to do to see how good we all were, and especially his son, was to just let us enjoy the game we all loved.
Many thanks Tim.
Robbie.

I realise that I have "jumper goal posts" in line 2 and also at the end.]

No you don't - that's my point! You have "jumper goal-posts" in line 2 and "jumper-goal posts" at the end. Do you want the reader to read significance into this? Your use of hyphens in "two-left-feet" is potentially distracting too, as if compensating for the lack of commas.

Ok Tim.
Being a beginner, hence my post on the Beginners site, I actually thought it was constructive advice about the structure of my poem you were offering, not merely criticism of my grammatical errors.
I appreciate that a basic comprehension of the English language is a crucial element to having ones written word understood, and believe I have already apologised for my lack of, and incorrect use of punctuation.
I did not believe that it was so distracting, as to nullify any comment on the poem itself.

Don't worry about me. It's just that I don't think being a beginner poet gives one license to be sloppy with spelling and punctuation. If anything, I'd have thought a beginner would be especially careful about these controllable features which, after all, are part of poetry. Good luck with your writing.

The jumpers for goalposts, the over zealous player/coach/teacher, the taking it too seriously Dad, the Subbuteo analysis - the poem conjures pictures that will connect with many readers. Nicely ironic title in the context of 'if only....'

enjoyed the read, though Tim is right about the 'distractions'

cheers

mac

An interesting take on a subject and I like the way you hide the reveal of who this person is until the end of the poem - Nicely done.

I agree about the number of line breaks.

Some nice lines, I like
You made every game a non-friendly.

I'd just go for "piled up jumpers".

Jumping in, studs sharpened
two-left-feet. - the comma is more necessary after"sharpened" than it is after "Jumping in"


as we headed off minus one to the ice-cream van - maybe "one down" rather than "minus one"?

I think the poem needs a sharper ending, it peters out a bit.

Hello Mac.
Thank you very much for your comments and advice. Whilst I would hope that some of the things I write may provoke thought, I would sincerely not wish it to be perplexing solely due to my poor spelling and sloppy punctuation.
I am endeavoring to improve this defficiency and will continue to take all constructive advice and criticism graciuosly in the good nature I believe it is intended.
I am glad you liked the intended irony of the title, and mostly enjoyed the essence of the rest of the poem.
There is so much I need to learn.
I hope I will be more grammatically critical before eagerly pressing submit in the future.
Many thanks
Robbie.

Hello Len.
I am glad you enjoyed the character reveal at the end of the poem.
I was hoping to close by showing that the father put an end to the beautiful game for us, (as I am sure many fathers on the sides of pitches up and down the country are doing as we speak) so was pleased to read, that for you, it worked as I had intended.
I agree with you about the line breaks as Tim pointed out initially.
I know I have a lot of work to do to not only vastly improve my grammar, but also to improve the structure of what I am trying to convey.
Cheers Len.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Robbie.

Hello Ray.
Yes, I do like "one down" much better than "minus one"
Thanks a lot for that.
I've been a little confused by my incorrect placing of a comma in the Jumping in studs sharpened, two left feet line so I appreciate the help there.
I will take your stronger ending required point on board.
Cheers, and thanks for the read.
Robbie.

Hi, Robbie

I love football poems that aren't totally hackneyed (and I don't mean the Marshes!) because you only realise how tough they are to do when you try one.
We've all come across those dickhead dads and teachers so, as has been said, the poem will resonate with many.

Mind you, for a football aficionado to mis-spell Subbuteo - that is definitely a red card

Some nits:
1) "Studs sharpened" implies (to me) an actual involvement in the game.I think you could omit it.

2) I expect Bobby, as a kid, was always the best player on the park
- so the line "like Bobby never could" is hard to believe.

2) Four-footed would be better than two-left-footed, for reasons that I have no need to explain.

TLF

Hello twoleftfeet.
I was trying to convey with the "studs sharpened" line that the fathers imput was always malicious, but I can now see how that could be read as though he was actually physically taking part in the game, though he most certainly always participated verbally. I agree it could be ommited, but feel I would need to think of something that will imply that he not only jumped in without thinking, but also that it was always with a streak of menace. Thanks for that, I will definitely give it some serious thought.
I guess you are right about the young Bobby too. I've seen a few young prodigies on the parks, my friend the captain of our school team one of them, only to be left in tatters by over fanatical fathers. They leave the pitch as quickly as they can, never to return, or as in my friends case, turn to the 'dark side' .. and become a referee.
Many thanks for your comments TLF
Very much appreciated.
Robbie.

champion wrote:Hello twoleftfeet.
I was trying to convey with the "studs sharpened" line that the fathers imput was always malicious
Robbie.

Yes, I see that.
"Reckless" maybe?

There are some lovely lines here.
"playing between piled up jumper goal-posts" Takes me back many years.
I don't have any advice that hasn't already been mentioned I afraid

Hello Kev.
Many thanks for the compliment. Very much appreciated.
Robbie.

hi champion,
i feel that i cannot really comment on the beautiful game, i'm scottish. if the beauty ever returns? i like the poem and i like the poer gramer.
dan

wildmountainthyme wrote:hi champion,
i feel that i cannot really comment on the beautiful game, i'm scottish. if the beauty ever returns? i like the poem and i like the poer gramer.
dan

You may not have very good players these days, but most of the top managers are scottish.
Cheer up!

Glad you liked the poem wildmountainthyme, even with the 'poer gramer'. I am sure that I have many more grammatically incompetent compositions that in one way or another will escape the scrutiny of my inexperienced eye.
Cheers Dan.
Robbie.