O.D On You

[JobysSecretBase]

One day i’ll miss you,
and wish you were here.
One day i’ll see you,
and wish you were near.
One day our paths,
will cross once again,
our lifestyles will differ,
and so will our friends.
And as I sit alone writing,
with a tear in my eye,
I’ll always think of one day,
And never truly say a goodbye.

[Macavity]

hi JSB,
I think you have built up some rhythms with repetitions of word and sound that build a structure. I think structure in a poem is a good place from which to work.

cheers

mac

[Elphin]

Welcome to the site

A gentle reminder to do your crits - give and take makes the world go round.

To your poem - mainly nice rhymes and rhythms worth holding on to although there is an extra beat or two in the last line.

The subject matter is a bit Hallmark but good first post - I think we have all started somewhere similar.

elph

[Deryn]

Nice rhymes and rhythm, until the end. It's like when you are driving along a smooth road and then you hit those painted speed bumps. It interrupts the flow!

Nice sentimental thoughts.

Hopefully you have worked on something else and are ready to share.

Deryn

[Jemima]

I love rhyming and sentimental poetry as long as it's not cheesy, and I didn't think this was at all. I do agree with the other critiques though, that the rhythm is good until the last two lines that don't quite fit. Could they just be..

I'll think of one day
and never say goodbye

This was my first post, I hope you don't mind!

[Deryn]

Hi Jobys..., that fits a little better.

It's a straight forward message that everyone can understand. Poems like this can work a little better for the reader if they are metaphorical maybe. Give the reader something to ponder about. Maybe not make things so obvious to the reader.

Tons of stuff out there to read that will give you ideas about how to move on with this poem.

Look forward to your next poem.

Deryn